Marcio Goncalves's Blog

Can I be foreward?

2011-11-17T22:16:00.001-08:00

Yello fellow cyber junkies.

What brings me here today? A little bit of boredom and a lot of urge to just spill my thoughts in the form of written/typed words.

A whole lot of skin has brought me to the fore. Yes, the extraction of foreskins. I don't know if I have mentioned circumcision on my blog before and quite frankly my advanced level of laziness prevents me from going back to check. But it was just a thought that came to my mind this morning. I know that it is part of various cultures and religions and I respect that. But circumcision just scares the piss out of me, I wouldn't do it ever, unless it needs to be done for health reasons.

I don't like cruising around naked, so why would I subject my 'mini-me' to nakedness?

Imagine how a penis feels when you deprive it of head gear?

Most men will agree with me when I say that baldness is something we would rather not have to deal with. I mean with saggy muscles and tufts of grey coloured hair growing in all sorts of places happening simultaneously, the last thing we need to brutalise our youthful looks is an unrelenting bout of alopecia. So why subject your dick to a life of permanent 'baldness'?

In cases where scalpels are used, I am a FIRM believer in, 'if it aint broke... don't fix it.'

Plus, what would Darth Vader be without his helmet? ;)

Have a good weekend all and remember, don't drink and drive... get a designated driver.

Ciao.

Passion...

2011-11-11T21:57:00.001-08:00

Saturday morning here, John Mayer playing on the radio, the engine of my computer running at a near silent volume. Just another day in the office.

I read a blog this morning about kettlebells. For those of you who might not know what kettlebells is, it has nothing to do with tea or coffee. It is a training program which involves these weights that look like dumbbells, I have never done kettle bells, so I am not going to go into too much detail about it.The author of it is a girl who was in school with me, it's a great blog and you can almost see her passion oozing out of the screen as you read it. It got me thinking about my own fitness levels which are about as high as a cat's tolerance level for water. She is so passionate about what she does that as you read her blog it almost makes you want to get out there, grab a kettlebell and work on your fitness until you as strong as the incredible hulk. (Even if it means shitting your pants a couple of times first.)

Passion ladies and gentleman...

Not the kind that makes you look over and cringe the next morning when you wake up and realise you drank one tequila too many. The kind of passion that makes you want to get up every morning and do even better than the day before, the kind that makes you go to bed at night with a smile because you are happy that you done exactly what you were meant to do, what your heart desired for the day.My school colleague has it and it is very cool and inspiring to see. We all should have that kind of passion in our lives. Love for what we do. Purpose. Like the popular rhyme goes. "Butchers and bakers and candlestick makers..." It doesn't matter what you do as long as you have passion for it. I believe we are all put here to do something. But it is our job to look for that one thing that defines who we are. We can either find it by accident or search for it till we find it. But once we found it, it is our job to keep working at it until we achieve what we want in life.

Well, as I strive and wait, strive and wait... I will not ever give up.
So as I sit here, doing my job, I think, I dream and I strive... In the words of John Mayer I am
"Waiting on the world to change..."

Have a great weekend all and don't get hit by a bus.

Ciao.

Where's the red carpet? Where's the champagne?

2011-11-05T01:33:00.000-07:00

Greetings...

Yes fellow internet junkies, I am still alive, I wouldn't say well though because I have been beaten into slight submission by the might of influenza. But otherwise still breathing, swearing and doing all things that are essential for the existence of a 27 year old singleton.

Why the long absence?

Well, I have moved. I left the town that witnessed my plunge from puberty into adulthood and moved 1300 km away and now live in a coastal town. As I wake up each and every morning, I can almost smell the hint of wet sand and shark breath. A sweet reminder of the new beginning that I so badly yearned for. I am happy that I left, the unfortunate events of my past were hanging over me like a ghost, constantly haunting me at every turn. I can now officially say I have left all that behind. I thank God for this wonderful blessing everyday.

Career wise... I am STILL in retail!!! Much to my dismay, it is like retail is fused somewhere in my DNA. I have a better job now(comes standard with an office and everything.) If my math teachers ever find out I have a job in an office of a retail store, doing the admin... They will have a fit. So yes, new job, new home, new town, new faces... Thank God. But my dreams? They still remain very much in tact.

I still want to write and write and write, until I reach that point where I can make a living from it... in either way or form. But with a 6am - 9pm job. My free time is now very diminshed. But as they say, where there is a will there is a way.

Ciao.

PS: I don't know if it's because I am nearer to the sea... But the eye candy here is TOP CLASS! Never before have I believed that there are PLENTY of FISH in the sea like I do now. Mmm... I'm loving this place and therefore christen it 'Babeville'.

No matter how much practice you get... rejection is never easy.

2011-08-17T08:44:00.000-07:00

Good day fellow bloggers.

It has been a LONG time since I blogged because I have been quite preoccupied lately with the shifts in the usual practices of my daily life. But more on that at a later stage.

Just to give you a little background on my dances with rejection. When I was in primary school (elementery school, for my American readers) I had a crush of Goliath proportions on this girl and one day I was playing truth, dare or command with my friends and for some (non-drug) related reason, I chose command. Thanks to Murphy's constitution what happened? My friends commanded me to go and propose to said girl in the middle of the playground in front of everyone. I knew a command was a command and it was my fault for choosing. So, I made a ring with the tin foil my sandwich was wrapped in and proposed to her. She smiled and of course turned down my rather recession friendly proposal. Anyway, my point is we all know rejection in some way or form. But nothing quite prepares you for a rejection like the one I got yesterday...

After a six month waiting period, the literary world decided to break my writer's cherry in the most brutal way possible. With a rejection email. That's right, I finished my first novel last year and I sent a proposal to a publisher six months ago. I got the reply yesterday, saying that my novel isn't quite the genre they normally publish and that they only publish literary fiction of exceptional quality. Which in short, told me that they think I wrote this novel with my ass. Oh well... At least I tried right?

I am not going to stop writing, but I think it's going to take me a while before I decide to send out another proposal to another company. When I opened the email and read the word 'unfortunately'... It was like someone kicked me in tha balls while I was star gazing. I am not blaming them, heck I will be the first to admit that my writing isn't of Shakespearean standard. Of course I was hoping for my proposal to be accepted, but I know that it is very rare that a first time aspiring writer gets accepted from the first attempt. But I thought, with the rejection I would find a glimmer of hope, a little light that would say: 'Yes Marcio, you are worthy of being published, if you just sharpen your skills in this area or that area.' So yeah, I was kind of bummed. But I suppose it's part of being writer... Just like every boxer gets his jaws punched, so every writer gets a rejection. We just have to suck it up and try again, right?

On a lighter note, I went shopping with my Mom the other day. Not one of the wisest decisions I have made in my life. It was like I was preparing for a marathon with all the walking. Why do women insist on looking through every rack of every clothing store within a oh-my-fuck radius before choosing ONE item of clothing? So to help me forget my hunger, general urge to say the word 'fuck' and state of near sweating. I did a spot of shopping of my own... What did I buy? The Regina Spektor Live in London DVD.

I am a big fan, so to me it was an investment of absolute wisdom. She is such a talented and sweet human being. Whenever I see her speaking in an interview, I wish I could just give her a huge hug. :)

Ciao.

R.I.P. Amy Winehouse

2011-07-23T13:11:00.000-07:00

Good evening all.

Firstly, I am not going to sit here and pretend that Amy Winehouse was an angel of some sort. Yes, she was out of control. Yes she probably made enemies very easily. Yes she made bad choices and yes she should have seeked help. But she was a tormented soul and what happened to her can happen to anyone who gets depressed and doesn't seek help.

Instead of criticising her, I am going to pay homage to her for the one thing that no one could take away from her. Love her or hate her, but no one could say she didn't have talent. I can't say I am a big fan of hers, but there are two songs of hers that shine brightly like stars in a charcoal black sky. "Back to black' and 'Rehab'. I loved these songs. And just like her many fans, her memory will live on in my heart and mind through these two classic songs, long after her passing.

Being an aspiring writer, I get inspired by the works of art of creative people. Be it writers, musicians, directors, painters, poets... So yes, I cannot say I am a die-hard fan. But I also cannot say that I am not saddened by the death of Amy Winehouse. She was a creative person, brimming with talent. It is just such a pity that along with her talents, came personal problems that she just wasn't able to surpass. Her memory will live on in the hearts of her fans and family. May her death not have been in vain... People, depression is not a game, it is a serious illness that needs treatment. If you are depressed, seek help. I hope in her death, she finds the peace she must have desperately sought here on earth... May God bless her family and friends through this great tragedy.

Rest In Peace Amy Winehouse.

Ciao.

Hitting the mark.

2011-07-07T03:26:00.000-07:00

What do you get when you put John Cusack, Minnie Driver, Hank Azaria and Dan Aykroyd in one movie with a soundtrack that includes Guns n Roses and Motormouth?

A: An outlandish masterpiece.

Last night I watched Grosse Pointe Blank. A dark romantic comedy from the year 1997 with the legendary John Cusack. I am a big fan of John's and in this movie he doesn't disappoint. He plays a lonely assassin with the need for some romance. (Yes I just wrote assassin and romance in one sentence.) It was brilliant! I laughed on many occasions, especially when he said he didn't know the sex of his cat because he respected it's privacy! LOL... This guy has no qualms about putting a bullet in some one's head, but can't disrespect a cat by looking between it's legs!?!

I know you are probably worried that I am about to write a series of cliche' jokes like: 'imagine an assassin who can't have kids because he shoots blanks' or 'I feel sorry for assassins because no matter how they feel, they MUST take a shot at everything in life, it's their job.'or 'Assassins make the best lovers because no matter how many times they shoot, they never run out of rounds.'... But rest assured, I will not... (Oh boy, I just fucked that up, didn't I!?!) ;)

Jokes aside, I haven't watched a movie that I have enjoyed as much as I enjoyed Grosse Pointe Blank in a long time. Another thing about this movie that engraved somewhere within the circuits of my cerebellum was the line Debbie(Minnie Driver) gave to Marty(John Cusack) when they went out for a drink:

Shakabuku: A swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.

Wow! That line blew me away! How many of us actually need shakabuku in our lives? I know there are times in my life where I could sure use some shakabuku. Although I would prefer it if it came in a much gentler form. Kicks hurt quite a lot and I imagine that even if it came from an intangible force like a spirit, it would hurt no less. So, bring on the shakabuku BUT only if it comes in the form of a massage or hat. Don't think my cranium would sustain any other form of contact.

So ladies, gents and other creatures who are literate and happen to stumble by here and see this post. If you haven't watched this movie, do so... It will shakabuku the fuck out of you! (Nah, it won't... You will just enjoy it very much. I added that last line before the parenthesis for kicks!) ;)

Ciao.

Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind and Amelie.

2011-06-28T04:00:00.000-07:00

Greetings!

It has been so long that I think I have forgotten how to do this... Oh well, practice makes perfect right? Brace yourselves.

Nothing new, still unemployed. Which is why I have spent a large percentage of my free time watching movies. On this marathon of movie watching, I watched two movies this week that tickled my fancy in a strange but pleasant way. And here I am writing about them:

Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind

I must confess that the name Jim Carrey doesn't fill me with copious amounts of excitement, I liked him when I was a fat, burger devouring, coca-cola imbibing ten year old. But I must give him credit for being the reason why I am now such a huge fan of the visual arts. The Mask and the Ace Ventura movie series were among the very first movies that I loved.

But now on to this movie. The concept was original and quite extraordinary. Imagine being able to erase any kind of emotional pain? Sounds good, but watch the movie and you will see that it isn't such a great idea. I loved Kate Winslet as the eccentric 'Clementine.' She done it very well. I liked the character 'Joel', he is a harmless oddball who just wants to find meaning in his life and finds social interaction quite challenging. A very relateable character. Jim Carrey done a good job playing 'Joel'.
All in all, it was a good movie and I am glad I spent an hour and a half of my life watching it. But I think it could have ended a little better... It was like eating your favourite meal and dropping your plate just before the last bite. The movie teaches an important lesson, 'Joel' would have never known how great life could be if he never met 'Clementine'... So despite how hurt how he was. He couldn't deny how much meaning she gave to his life. He loved her for that and just couldn't erase her. Pain is part of life, you have to face it, learn from it and move on. Erasing it teaches you nothing and who knows what life will give you next if you just learn to accept and move on... "Meet me in Montauk..."

Amelie

This was a french movie. The only languages I speak fluently are English and Portuguese. I also speak fluent Broken Spanish and Broken Afrikaans. I know the basic french like Bonjour and Merci etc... Other than that, I'm pretty sure whatever else I know will only get me arrested... Like Menage a trois?

This was quite a quirky little movie, I did enjoy the plot and all that but I must confess reading subtitles while watching a movie gets quite annoying. But thumbs up if you are fluent in French, it is definitely worth watching and quite enjoyable. Plus Audrey Tatou rates quite high on my babe scale! :)

Ciao.

What is it with humans and pigs?

2011-06-09T11:59:00.000-07:00

From Napoleon to Babe, people are obsessed with talking pigs. (You will only know who Napoleon is if you have read George Orwell's Animal Farm.) The English language even has an idiom that involves pigs with aviation capabilities. But for me the prize winning absurdity is the 'Piggy-Bank.'

Let me start by saying that, since I was a knee-high runt. Any kind of pig portions that came into my home were sliced, diced, fried or cooked and eaten with much appetite and swiftness.I have never owned a Piggy-Bank and let me just say that if God blesses me with children some day, I absolutely won't buy Piggy banks for them either. Why?

Let's look quickly at the physical functions of a Piggy-Bank shall we? You give your children lunch money for school... etc, etc... The Piggy-Bank is there for them to toss their spare change into it, for the purposes of teaching them the value of money and the pleasure of saving it. I understand this and agree. But, here comes the part that totally blows this notion out of the water for me...

When the Piggy-Bank is full and your kid wants the money... What does he have to do? Break the Piggy-Bank open. Now correct me if I am wrong... But doesn't this send the wrong message to children? Doesn't it show them that when you need money, you BREAK the bank open and take it? Therefore making you responsible of raising potential bank robbers?

Lol... I'm just kidding guys, don't go and throw away your child's most prized piggy's now.
But I still won't buy them for my kids, you know... Just in case... ;)

It feels good to be back and I guarantee the weirdness continues.

Ciao.

Shit has it been a month!?!

2011-05-25T03:47:00.000-07:00

Hello everybody! I hope you missed me.

The cause of my protracted absence is computer troubles... I have not resolved them all yet. But I needed to come here and do some damage control. Plus, I kinda like blogging, so why stop right? What's new I hear you murmuring. What might he have to say that will keep me reading... I don't know, but either way, I hope you keep reading.

I am going to start guitar lessons. That's new. You all know how much I love music and I have mentioned before that I would like to learn how to play the guitar. I have come to learn that unemployment is a perfect requirement for someone who wants to learn to play an instrument. So, I am going to take full advantage of it. Get ready, you might be reading the blog of the next Jimmy Hendrix. ;) I know, I know... I need a job. And my lazy ass is working on getting one. All in due time...

After standing in a queue for longer than the patience in me could handle, I ran into a restaurant with the intention of eating it's owner into a very happy retirement. Anyways, so as I ate my food. Oh you want to know what I ate? A fat, fried steak covered with a layer of fried onions and so many chips (french fries to all of you cool people in the USA) that they fell off my plate. But don't worry they certainly didn't go to waste. Besides the coronary inducing food, something else made my lunch particularly enjoyable. Behind me sat two women, they were both over forty years old. At least one of them seemed to be single and from the content of their conversation... Intimate enough to make passersby think they were lesbians. I had no choice but to eavesdrop on their conversation because to be frank, it isn't my fault my hearing is of above average.

Mid-life crises are terrible and I know I am headed that way and believe me, if I find myself in a restaurant one day in 27 years time speaking with one of my best prostate-friends and I see a much younger lass on the table opposite me, I will speak louder than normal because I know how much the conversation will amuse her. Just like these spinsters amused me. Their conversation was about everything and everyone except what happens in the toilet and the bedroom. They went as far as to complain that men their age are mostly not attractive and much older in disposition than they were. LMFAO. Cougars in the making? I think so.

Not to veer from the topic (what topic? Figure it out... I know you can.) Do you believe in star signs?

I don't believe they can tell your future. But I do believe the personality traits each star sign has assigned to them. I am a Taurus man and yes after countless studies of the alleged Taurus Star Sign personality traits. I can say, yes I am a definite Taurus man. I don't base my life on Astrology and I certainly don't check my horoscope before making any important decisions like which liquor store I should go to, to buy my beer. But I can confirm that there is some truth to the personality traits of the star signs.

Just for fun because I was THAT bored, I checked to see which star signs were compatible with mine. According to astrology, I should hook up with either: Capricorns, Virgo's or Pisces. I have been married to Aries and it worked out about as well as a cheese and motor oil sandwich. So it is safe to say that Arieans are off the list. So... Before I log off, let me check my horoscope to see if it's a good idea. ;)

Ciao.

PS: I watched a Woody Allen movie that I actually enjoyed last week... "Whatever Works." Pretty good. I know it's risky, but go ahead...

PS2: I didn't put a picture because I didn't feel like it. Sorry.

500 Days of Summer...

2011-04-29T01:35:00.000-07:00

Good Morning.

I know that for this week I seem to have taken Valentine's Day and stretched it into Valentine's week. Yes, my blog posts for this week are based on one of the most elusive entities of this modern world we live in today. Love. 500 Days of Summer is a movie and for the past two months it has been screened on our satellite TV network at various times. Each and every time, no matter how hard I tried to make it, I would never catch the beginning of it. I always missed the first 30 minutes. So yesterday, I went to the video store and hired it. So finally I can blog about it because I can actually say that I have watched it. It blew me away. As you all can calculate, if you have read this blog. I am an absolute sucker for rom-coms. Ever since High-School, I have been a big fan of Rom-coms. The very first rom-com I watched was One Fine Day with George Clooney and the lovely Michelle Pfieffer. Since then I have been hooked.

My favourite rom-com ever is A Lot Like Love. And now 500 Days of Summer which for me is equally good. It is off-beat, funny and poignant, which makes it more plausible. How many times have we all fallen in love with someone, only to find out much later that the love is unrequited? More than once surely or at least once if you were really kick-in-the-crotch and I won't care deeply in love with this person. And what happened when you found out? You were crushed. To a point where all the ideals and beliefs you had about love were completely changed. It made you an atheist of the heart. This is exactly what the movie illustrates. Brilliant beyond any kind of earthly measure is the best way I can describe this movie.If you haven't watched, I won't spoil it for you, go ahead and watch it. But only if you are as fascinated with Rom-Coms as I am.You won't be disappointed.

Proof that movies are an art form.

It is thanks to this movie that I discovered the musical talents of a certain Regina Spektor. I was surprised as shit at how much I enjoyed her music because she IS NOT a rock star. She is a maverick pianist, with a beautiful voice. It is because of her song that today I am going to go on a CD hunt and try to get the soundtrack for the movie.

Now let's move away from 'unrequited love' shall we?

Regina Spektor... The 'Dr. House' of Pianists

Today Prince William and his lovely fiance Kate Middleton are getting married. Don't worry about not being there because the only way you will miss it is if you're asleep. And even then, they will likely repeat this wedding up until Prince Harry gets married. Yes, ALL THE CHANNELS seem to be broadcasting this Wedding. Good luck to them. I won't be watching it because seriously... It's a Wedding. Come on... Weddings are only fun if you attend them, what with all the free booze, free food and copious amounts of gorgeous women to look at (other than the bride of course...)

Ciao.

Relationships: No matter how much you try and rebuild or remodel them. Once they have been ruined, they will always be remembered for their ruins. Move on in hope that the next sunrise will bring with it a new and serendipitous chance for true happiness.

I could have waited for the 2nd of May... But what for?

2011-04-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

Good evening fellow mammals.

On the second of May 2010, I wrote a post about the show HIMYM (How I Met Your Mother... Just in case any of you may have thought what I wrote there stands for How Is My Yelling Mistress... Don't know why, but things like that just spring up sometimes.)

I am currently watching HIMYM Season 5. I really cannot choose between Friends and HIMYM. They are both amazing shows, which are equally entertaining. But since we are in the present, I want to talk about HIMYM. For those of you who may not be watching the show... Please do. It's a great show. It's one of those feel good shows loaded with plenty of laughs courtesy of the suited "Barney Stinson. (AKA: Neil Patrick Harris.) The whole plot of the show focuses around "Ted Mosby" (AKA: Josh Radnor) a single man in New York(A place I still want to visit one day) who lives the life of a typical bachelor in an undying search for true love. (AKA: The one. AKA2: His soulmate.)

It doesn't matter how much a man plays the field(and maybe I really do stand alone on this one, but I don't give a shit.) I really believe that every dude wants to marry and have kids some day. I know I do. Which is why this show has lots of appeal for me. The way he describes how he finds his children's mother is a pretty cool series of chained events that all lead to the pivotal moment(which I am pleased to say has not arrived yet) when he actually meets her.

A simple thing like finding a lost umbrella, which belongs to that one person you have searched your whole life for is pretty unreal. But a story full of magic is one I would love to tell my kids someday. I want to one day run into a bookstore, coffee shop, bar or "the classic place" for prolonged trysts... the supermarket and literally run into her and when I look at her, just have that feeling where you just know, she is the one. I would really love for that to happen so that I can have a remarkable story for my kids... just like "Ted".

Another thing about this show that I love, is the "friendship" played out between the characters. It's a great feel-good show and I think it is LEGEN-wait for it-DARY!

Now if you excuse me... there is a sarcastic Doctor who uses a cane to walk and has a noun for a surname (of course I will give you a clue... it has a kitchen, which in turn should have a fridge full of beer in it) waiting to be watched in ten minutes... So...

Ciao.

PS: If you would like to... humour me... Do you believe in this fate thing? If so, please tell me why?

Firework...

2011-04-25T12:27:00.000-07:00

Good evening.

You all know how much I love music... Music speaks to you in a way that far surpasses any form of human communication. Songs help you cry when you are sad and help you smile when you are happy. Music really is food for the soul... I always had big dreams of becoming a musician when I was growing up, it never happened, but it is never too late to learn something new. Playing guitar is on my bucket list. I don't have any aspirations to become a musician now. My dreams are more focused on another art form which I enjoy just as much. But music should be a very important part of anyone's life. Love of music is a sign that your soul is very much alive.

Now, hell might just freeze over within the next few sentences... So if you know anyone who is there, please tell them to put on their Eskimo suits. As you all know, I am a committed rocker. Rock music is my absolute favourite type of music, ever since the age of 11, rock music has been a very big part of my free time. But today, I heard a song called Firework by Katy Perry. Now I must admit, why would anyone want to be a firework? Why would anyone want to shoot through the sky and explode? A colourful suicide? I think not...

Just kidding... Low and behold... I like the song. Her voice is amazing and her physical features are even more. She REALLY IS a firework! Wow, Russell Brand is a lucky man. Apart from the appeal of the song, it has a great message for all of it's listeners. We now live in a world filled with social standards, I see it happening every day all around me. If you don't meet certain criteria, you are not worthy of many people's company. Never has the need to kick someone when they are down been as strong as it is today. People frown upon other's when they see that they are "weird" or different in some way or other. I have seen people here where I live, laugh at other people who have fallen on hard times, losing their businesses etc... We live in a world now, where if you don't own an expensive car or a 3 floor house, you are a nobody. Not to everyone, but in many cases this is the norm. Many people live in this frame of mind where they believe that "image is everything" and it's not. You can have the most beautiful face on earth, the biggest house in town and the most expensive car on the market... But if you don't even have the decency to accord other people the same respect you seem to think you command... You are worthless. Everyone breathes the same air, everyone's blood is red and everyone's heart breaks the same way. Why do some people think they can trample on others however they want just to get what they want because they believe they are better and deserve better?

This song just reminds us that no matter who we are, where we come from or whatever has happened to us... We should never forget about the potential within us. Despite our weaknesses and imperfections, which we are constantly reminded of, everyday is a new chance to do something great with our lives. And to those of you who think I am just writing a load of shit here... Maybe you should take your head out of your own ass and look around once in a while... After all, tomorrow it could be you getting kicked when you're down?

Ciao.

Random blog # 2. (I think?)

2011-04-24T08:40:00.000-07:00

Greetings all ye on this Easter Sunday.

I have a great deal of things in my head at this moment in time(including a sinusitis induced ache.) But none of the things quite qualify to fill a decent sized blog post... So I give you a combo of observations. I started my day today by going to church at 5am, yes while most people are curing their hangovers with insurmountable amounts of sleep. I woke up before dawn's crack appeared and went to church. Not complaining, merely stating. Believe it or not I take this dirty mouth of mine to church because underneath it all, to me it is important to reserve some time for God.

I have been watching a shit load of movies the past week. Here's a list of the movies I have watched:

- Seven Pounds. (I cannot remember the last time I watched a movie as hard-hitting as this one. Absolutely amazing!)

- Life as we know it. (When I heard Josh Duhamel and Katherine Heigl were teaming up for this one, I didn't expect much, but I was pleasantly surprised. The movie's merits went beyond Katherine Heigl's pretty face... It was actually quite good.)

-The good girl. (With my recent fever to watch the series Friends... I was really looking forward to seeing anything Jennifer Aniston... It was quite decent, her accent cracked me up.)

Then... I watched...

-My last five girlfriends. (I seriously couldn't finish this one.... It just didn't "grab me")

Today I watched Scott Pilgrim vs The World. Not the greatest movie I have ever seen, but more than met my standards in terms of entertainment. Plus I discovered a brand new specimen of top class eye-candy:

Mary Elizabeth Winstead(AKA- Ramona)

For those of you who gave up anything for lent... Today is the day you can stop giving up. I thought I was going to drink a 40 day's load of beer today, but as I drove around to the liquor stores, I noticed they were all closed. Apparently selling over the counter alcohol on Sundays is the equivalent of cheating on your spouse... It shouldn't be done at all, but especially not in public. So I have to wait till tomorrow or Tuesday to get my first taste of beer in 41/42 days. Silly me... I should have stocked up yesterday.

I am not a Blues fan and I have listened to one of Hugh Laurie's songs from his debut album and I must confess I don't like it... It's not that it is bad, it is pretty good. I just don't like Blues music. But I am highly amazed with this man's talents... He's an actor, he's a writer and now a singer! Is there anything Hugh Laurie can't do!?! What's next? Will he become a pilot? An astronaut? Good for him. I am now an even bigger fan of his! Well done Mr. Laurie!

Well, I hope you are all having a blessed and awesome Easter Weekend!

Ciao.

Yes Anne Hathaway, I am dedicating a whole blog post to you...

2011-04-21T11:55:00.000-07:00

Greetings Fellow Earthlings

I watched a movie yesterday called Being Jane. No it is not a step by step instruction tape on how to become a professional transvestite and no I am not considering a career as a cabaret dancer. It is a movie about the late Jane Austen, you know that chick who wrote Pride and Prejudice among others... No I have not read any of her work yet. I say yet because, now that I saw who the lead actress was in the movie, I can now picture her while I read Jane Austen's books. ;)

The lead actress is none other than Anne Hathaway. I love her because she is a great actress and for me anyway, even more beautiful than a candle light dinner of too much steak under a moonlight, at the seaside with a mug of beer. Yes I think I have mentioned on this blog how fascinating my fascination for her is. But no worries, I will stop now. The movie was amazing. Well I know I am a little biased, but I really enjoyed it. I am pleased to inform you that my Friends Marathon is far from over. I am currently watching (when I am not pressing Pause to LMAO) Season 6.

"How you doin'?"-(Thanks Joey.)

I don't know why, but I love watching the Cooking Channel.(Especially when Nigella is on.) Food is awesome, I remember as a pimple-ridden teen, wanting to become a chef... Then I saw how fast you had to work to be a good chef and considering that I need to start on a Saturday morning (exaggeration is the life blood of my descriptions...) to prepare a Sunday lunch of Spaghetti and Chicken Stew, I saw my culinary dream go up in flames. (I likes puns very much.)

Well I assume that is enough trash talk for today, I will continue to recycle at another time. Tomorrow is Good Friday, the beginning of the Easter Weekend. I wish you all a lovely weekend spent with all the people who are closest to your hearts. Stay safe.

Joke of the week
(I heard this the other day and nearly shat my pants.) What does a bulimic dyslexic do? Sticks her finger in her ass!

Ciao.

With this infidelity... I thee wed.

2011-04-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

Hello Blog Buddies!

We have all been victims of infidelity at one time or another in our lives. Infidelity has made such progress in our world today, that man has come up with things like pre-nup's, polygamy and P.I's to try and shield themselves from the powerful blow of infidelity. And yes, in some cases all of these methods have backfired. Staying single until you are too old to wipe your own ass obviously isn't a good way to lead your life. So people, armed with condoms and Morning After pills(and dry-humping for those who cannot afford any armour), bite the bullet and engage on the sexual battle field, where hearts are slaughtered. But low and behold... I may have found an invention that will put this evil epidemic to an end.

You know how a finger scanner works, you stick your finger on the laser, it scans your print and Open-Sesame... You're in.

For those of you still reading... I am quite sure you know exactly where I am going with all this, but I will write it anyway because yes, I am THAT bored. Why not invent a Penis-Scanner? Access will only be granted for that particular person. This may be quite a depressing invention, especially for men(and women) who like to add a little variety to their nocturnal activities... But in the end it will give everyone peace of mind... Men can't cheat, but at least they know, their wives can't either and visa versa... So it's a win-win situation.

Of course there has to be a clause... You are only allowed to get a PS, on the day you get married. So, singletons, no worries this invention does not cock-block in anyway.

Now the only thing to worry about is making these scanners waterproof... Otherwise we could be faced with a whole new kind of disease.... STESD (Shower Transmitted Electric Shock Disease.)

Ciao.

Failure sucks...

2011-04-15T11:18:00.000-07:00

Yes I am back, thanks to this abundance of free time that I now have.

I am actually feeling pretty bummed at the moment. I entered a writing competition a few months ago and the results came out today. I didn't even make it to the finalists list. When I read the list of finalists and saw that my name was not on it, it was like someone had just kicked me in the balls.(For those of you who cannot imagine what that feels like, it was as if someone had punched me in the stomach.)

I was violently disappointed and even went back to make sure that my name wasn't on it. Now, I am not about to run off and cry foul... That would be stupid. Last year I entered the same competition and the result was the same. But this year it feels worse. I am not saying my writing is of Shakespearian quality, I just feel pretty shitty that I'm still not good enough, even to be a runner up. It is very discouraging and puts a huge dent in a person's aspirations. It makes me doubt... Will I ever be THAT good? Will I ever be a published writer? Oh well, better luck next year I guess...

Thanks to google's new logo, I saw that tomorrow would have been Mr.Charlie Chaplin's 122d birthday. So I thought I would pay homage to the legend of one of my life's obsessions: Movies. I didn't get to see any of his "movies", but I did see a couple of clips and realised that for his time, he was the funniest man in the world. Laughter is one of the things in the world that can never be too much and I was happy to see that Charlie Chaplin was of this opinion as well.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.-Charlie Chaplin.

Ciao.

PS: Speaking of movies, I am going to watch 'Chocolat' tonight. Everyone ranted and raved about it when it came out, it stars Johnny Depp who is one of the greatest actors in the world right now and it's about chocolate... Good enough reasons for me to see what all the fuss is about.

I love Cape Town... No it's not just a shirt... I really do!

2011-04-15T02:38:00.000-07:00

Greetings Blogosphere!

The past ten days of my life has been quite the roller coaster ride. Let me start off by saying that I am currently unemployed. Yes, we have sold our business and took a little vacation to the Western Cape.Of course unemployment is nothing to celebrate, but as regular readers of this blog know, I didn't like my job. So in that sense, I am happy that I am unemployed. New beginnings are frightening and I am kind of shitting in my pants (metaphorically of course) about the future at the moment, questions like "What Now?" and "Will I find something better to do with my life?" are currently swirling in my mind. But I am quite happy about the fact that I now have a chance to try and do something better with my life. I hope Lady Luck is on my side and holds my hand along the way.

Now about the Western Cape...

This place is AMAZING. Beaches everywhere, shopping malls and just a complete different atmosphere to where I am currently staying. I would love to move there. As you all know I gave up beer for lent. Due to this factor, I was forced to drink wine. My least favourite alcoholic beverage. But on the bright side... Wine in the Cape is even cheaper than McDonalds. Yes I do believe this is a bright side.

On the first day when we arrived, we went to the bank and saw this very large man with tattoos on his wobbly biceps, walking to a sign that said: BULK TELLERS. This made me laugh. I didn't know that banks included entertainment to their list of customer services. But what about the other side of the scale when it comes to their clients? SIZE ZERO TELLERS?

We went to visit family in a place called "George". It was amazing and to top off the amazement, I got shit-faced on red wine. (A decision I strongly regretted the next morning.) But, when in the Cape, one must drink like the Capetonians I suppose. There are so many different wines here, it leaves you confused at what you should buy? I saw a wine called "Fat Bastard", chuckled and thought it would make the perfect birthday present for someone that I don't like much.

I saw a little town called "Kleinmond"(which translated to English, means "Smallmouth".) It is a coastal town and you can almost smell the salt and morning-breath of the fishes as you drive past. The name for that town fits it perfectly. It really is SMALL. We went to Hermanus, which is another coastal town(much bigger than Kleinmond of course... Hermanus does after all ryhme with humongous.) It was a really great trip, something I really needed and I thank God that I got.

The least fun part of the trip(please note, least fun, it was still fun.) was the drive down. Yes we were seven people and we squeezed into the car and drove for fourteen hours. You can imagine for yourself, fourteen hours in a sitting position does not bode well for the health of one's spine. To top off the fourteen hour drive, my five year old nephew was as gassy as a hot air balloon. So every twenty minutes or so he would fart, forcing us to open all our windows to clear the air. Funny but deadly. NOTE TO SELF: Next time, bring a gas mask.

It was a great vacation spent with the family together, I just wish my oldest brother(he is in Portugal) could have been with us. I hope this vacation marks the beginning of new and better things for us.

Ciao.

PS: What a FIRM ass you have! ;-)

Krazy Righters.

2011-03-31T13:44:00.000-07:00

Good Evening.

Don't be fooled by my formal greeting, this post is anything but formal and is going to be about the part of writing that leaves people red faced. It is the equivalent of walking around with your dong (if you're a dude OF COURSE.) hanging out. Arrogant Writers. Arrogance in general is something that really gets under my skin. I can pretend to be arrogant, just for the sake of a few cheap laughs because arrogance is cheap. Cheap and stupid. I hate arrogance, in all forms.

I felt the need to write this after I read the post On writers and Delusions by Erica Orloff. I am not published, a fact that I am very much hoping will change by the end of this year. So maybe I am way out of line here but what the fuck is wrong with this woman? There are millions and millions of writers out there who would bend over backwards to have someone read their book and rate it for free. Reviews, good or bad, raise awareness about you and your work. An essential part of becoming a successful writer. I haven't read that many book reviews in my life, but I did read the one in question and can safely say that it was a very professional, unbiased review that clearly pointed out the strengths and weaknesses of the book. Now I have not read the book, so I really cannot comment on it's quality.

But I really think the author overreacted. Look, I am a writer too, it would kill me to read something negative about my work, especially if I haven't published a thing in my life. But we are not all born to be Oscar Wilde's or Jane Austen's... Some people are talented enough to get it right the first time and others need to work a little harder. The important thing is that it gets done well. When you call a plumber to your house because of a leak and if an hour after he claims to have fixed it, it starts leaking again. Will you call that plumber again? Of course not. Why? Because in your opinion he is obviously a shitty plumber. Why? Well maybe because he is so concentrated on wanting to get paid that he doesn't pay attention to what he is actually doing.

Writing is the same. If you get a bad review, it doesn't mean you can't write, it means you need more practice. The fact that someone was able to actually finish reading your book and formulate an opinion about it is already a good sign. How many books have you given up on by page 40?
We must all learn from our mistakes. As writers, if you have someone who can point out the mistakes for you, then consider yourself lucky, not cursed. If your book was good enough to be reviewed, then it means you have potential... So take your head out of your ass, see the potential and do something to reach it. What's the use of having all that talent if you refuse to learn how to use it?

Ciao.

Quote of the day: "Talent is cheaper than table salt.What seperates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work."-Stephen King.

"How you doin'?"

2011-03-27T00:54:00.000-07:00

Good Morning!

Yes it is a Sunday Morning, it is raining and I am off work today! This whole scenario reminds of that Maroon 5 song- Sunday Morning... "Sunday Morning, rain is falling..." Pity the rest of the song isn't true though. I am alone with my beloved PC and my imagination. I would say my imaginary friends, but I am not eight years old anymore, neither am I a schizophrenic. So no.

Speaking of Friends, if you are in anyway affiliated with my Facebook page, you will know that I have recently been watching 'Friends", remember that show that ended back in 2004? The one with the six New Yorkers who happened to be friends? Yes I know, at this rate, my trip down memory lane might take me all the way back to my first tooth.

Back when I was too busy dealing with rumours of oncoming puberty while watching Biker Mice from Mars and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Lisa Kudrow(Phoebe Buffay), Jennifer Aniston(Rachel Green, Matt Le Blanc(Joey Tribbiani), David Schwimmer(Ross Gellar), Matthew Perry(Chandler Bing) and Courtney Cox... ex Arquette(Monica Gellar) came together and made history from 1994 to 2004. This show was phenomenal. I think I only caught a handful of episodes from between Season 6-10... This is why now, 16 years later, I am watching the show from beginning to end and making a point of buying the entire series to add to my one day collection. Some people collect bugs, others collect photos and others collect stuffed animals, but me, I want to collect books and TV shows.

They are all funny, each and every one of them has brought me to the edge of shitting my pants at one time or another with laughter... But my favourite character on the show is Chandler Bing(Matthew Perry's character) because of his oh so awesome sarcasm. I am a big fan of sarcastic humour.

Lines like these, make him my favourite:

On seeing Ross with his newly acquired pet monkey on his head:
"Oh look, that monkey has got a Ross on it's ass!"

On seeing Ross with a botched tan after Ross told him that he went to a self-tanning centre:
"What was that place called... The Sun!"

When Monica gives him a TINY piece of the French cuisine she prepared for him to try:
"Yes because I had a grape about five hours ago, I will split this with you."

This character is fucking hilarious and I was very pleased to see that Matthew Perry has a new show called Mr. Sunshine. I like the guy, beside Friends, I watched him on Fools Rush In, yes the movie with the lovely Salma Hayek and her incredible chest. And I loved it! So best of luck to him and I hope he entertains me for years to come...

Ciao.

Blog-Blocked?

2011-03-25T12:41:00.000-07:00

Good evening fellow Internet junkies.

Yes I am back. I am on the cusp of a life changing event that I am hoping will improve my life drastically. They say a change is as good as a holiday, let's hope this popular cliche proves to be as true as the other popular cliche... You know the one about clouds and silver linings... Yes that one.

So what has happened in my life since the last time I put fingers to keyboard? Sadly, I haven't been published yet, I haven't won the Lotto and neither have I ran into Mila Kunis... Speaking of Mila, I caught a glimpse of another Milla on a movie called Return To Blue Lagoon.... When this movie was made I was too busy trying to figure out what was the shortcut to Sesame Street to care, but NOW... When I caught a glimpse of the young, semi-naked (doesn't it sound better than semi-clothed?) Milla Jovovich... I fell in love... Again! I don't know if it's because of the name(Mila-Milla) or because they are both Ukrainian, but they are both stunning woman and make seeing them a pleasure of epic proportions. Had a stomach bug two days ago, it still amazes me how something as insignificant as a BUG can KO a person the better part of 24 hours... Went to the Dr. and have now returned to my fucking sunny self again. I am suspecting that my lack of inspiration for blogging is due to the depleted levels of beer in my system... Yes, I think it is because of a Vitamin Hop deficiency. I am currently reading Money by Marin Amis, it is a very unique read indeed. I find his prose somewhat entertaining... So far so good.

I hope to have some more blog fodder within the next coming week...

Ciao.

Lent.

2011-03-10T11:57:00.000-08:00

Good Evening Readers.

For all of you who may not know, I am catholic. Yes, believe it or not I actually do go to a church once in a while. I admit, I probably don't go to church as much as I should. But as is usually the case with any religion. It's quite ironic that churches were meant to bring people together but it's people that drive people away from churches.Over here we have two masses on Sundays: One at 9am and one at 6pm. When I do go, I always go to the 6pm mass because hardly anyone goes to church at that time. The one thing I do like about church is the silence... I can sit there and just clear my head.

But anyways, let me get to the point...

Lent is a time of year in the catholic church where all members SHOULD give up something that they enjoy for the forty days prior to Easter Sunday. It's not compulsory, which is pretty cool I like that they are flexible enough to let us decide. I spent the past two years giving up jack shit for lent.(I gave up my wife for much longer than forty days, I figured that was good enough... ;) But this year I decided to give it another shot and I have given up fizzy drinks. So no cold drinks and no beer for forty days. Just water and wine or whiskey and water(which to be quite honest, tastes horrifying, like piss, only cold... I have never drank piss, but it's the same colour... So I reckon it should be about right.) Wish me luck.

Speaking about Easter... Imagine how fucked off the Easter bunny must be? I don't think being the poster bunny for childhood diabetes and tooth decay is what he signed up for. He probably says to himself every single year" "Oh for fuck sakes, if I wanted THIS much fame, I would have rang up Hugh Hefner and become a Playboy Bunny!"

I am currently weighing up the pros and cons of drinking nothing but water for 40 days... If I go for an MRI scan afterwards, the Doctors are probably going to see patches of algae in my stomach... Well they say greens are good for you right? I have a fear that I might turn into an amphibian, grow a long tongue and start having cravings for flies. ;)

Ciao.

Movies and books... AKA: My life.

2011-03-07T12:48:00.000-08:00

Good evening fellow internet dwellers.

I was off this weekend and I had a pretty good weekend, nothing extraordinary happened, I didn't run into Anne Hathaway or anything like that. but by my standards, it was okay.

Firstly I hired these movies:

-August Rush.
-Going the distance
-Keeping up with the Joneses

I also went to the bookstore and bought these books:

-Pygmy: Chuck Palahniuk
-A light-hearted look at murder: Mark Watson
-I found my horn: Jasper Rees
-Everything you know: Zoe Heller
-What Poets need: Finuala Dowling

The book I decided to start reading first was Chuck Palahniuk's book. I haven't read any of his books but I did watch the movie Fight Club a couple of times because it was quite a groundbreaking project which I loved. I have no doubt that the man is a talented writer, his record speaks for itself, but I don't think I am going to finish Pygmy, I won't hesitate to get another one of his books sometime, but this one, I don't think I will finish . The story is original, the humour great but the way it is written makes reading it tiresome for me. I get that the protagonist of the book doesn't speak good English and I applaud Mr. Palahniuk on his original way of showing this, by writing it in first person in "poor english" to accurately show the voice of the character. But this "poor english" makes the reading a tiresome task.(for me anyway... Maybe I'm just a crappy reader?)

The movies I chose to hire this weekend, we're all fine choices. Demi Moore still looks smoking hot by the way! WOW!

Oh by the way, there is now a Bulgarian woman working at the bookstore where I normally spend the morning shift of my day off. She is a very fine looking lady with an even finer accent as an added bonus. When I paid for my books, she opened her mouth and out came this English that I have never heard in my life before... I was mesmerized, it was like I was listening to a stoned GPS machine. (Love the voices on those things.) So on my way out I came up with an excuse to walk back in. (I pretended to need a book mark, they hand them out for free there... I had other ideas, but they would put my reputation at risk.) I asked her for a bookmark and took the opportunity to ask where she was from. (The popular term is 'killing two birds with one stone'... But that sounds a tad violent, I prefer the term 'cupping a breast while you kiss'. Okay, bad metaphor, but at least nothing dies with my metaphor.) she gave me one and said she was from Bulgaria, the words coming out of her mouth sounded beautiful like a harp. Aah... Another reason to go to the bookstore...

Ciao.

Self-Publishing VS Traditional Publishing

2011-03-02T12:46:00.000-08:00

Good evening all.

It has been a busy week, I watched the Oscars. (I think I may have fallen in love with Anne Hathaway by the way.) One of my favourite TV shows is back on the air(Californication) AND then there is Facebook.Plus I still have to put some time aside to do my day job, you know, the one I loathe but do because it pays my bills. :)

Anyways, I am not here today to write yet another post on the monotony of my life. I read an article today about a young American author by the name of Amanda Hocking. This maverick of the literary world, has reached sales that most of us aspiring writers only dream of at this point. All by self-publishing through Amazon's Kindle and others. This is a truly amazing and inspiring story. I am in awe of this woman and I haven't even read any of her work.

So where do I stand on this highly debated topic?

Firstly, let me put it out there that I do not own a Kindle or any kind of electronic device that stores books. Not because I am against it, but because when it comes to technology, I am somewhat dumbstruck. Yes, I am about as tech savvy as a caveman. (Okay... Not that bad, I mean, I am a blogger.) But you get my drift? I don't own a Kindle because I don't really know how that shit works. But after reading Amanda's success story, I am considering getting up to date.

I am not published. Do I want to be published? Absolutely. Would I consider self-publishing? Definitely.

You see, my goal is to one day be able to make a living exclusively as a writer. I want to write full time. When I happen to find myself at a party or any other social event where people tend to ask what you do for a living, I want to one day answer: "I am a writer." I don't have to become a multi-millionaire and have a collection of luxury cars. I don't have to have my books optioned for movies. I don't even have to live in a mansion. I just want to be able to make a living writing stories. I want to be able to wake up at 10am without having to worry about being late for work. I want to be able to sit in a coffee shop or at a park or wherever and just observe my next novel unfold right before my eyes as I observe the world turning around me. I want to be able to work on my own terms (which may at times include sitting at home naked at my PC, with a beer in one hand listening to Pearl Jam or Korn while I write.)

So with all that said, I think I would prefer traditional publishing because in terms of writing, I don't think there is anything that can match the feeling of holding a copy of your own book in your hands. It is a tangible reward for all your hard work. Kind of like an Oscar(Not that a Kindle isn't tangible, but I just don't think anything can match a good old fashioned book.) So yes, I would prefer to succeed by landing a book contract and taking it from there. But if self-publishing is the way for me to achieve the life I am aspiring to as a writer, then I will most certainly try it. I understand why publishers and traditional writers alike are not happy with this new medium of publishing. But it cannot be stopped. It is technology. If you can afford to avoid it, then well done, my utmost respect goes out to you because it means you have proved yourself as one of the greats.

If you find yourself rejected by the publishing houses and take advantage of this new option being made available and succeed; then my utmost respect still goes out to you for your never-say-die attitude and dedication to your work.

Here's to hoping I will get there someday. One way or another.

Ciao.

Okay here goes... Cupid's the man!

2011-02-16T11:16:00.000-08:00

Greetings from the darkest corner of the retail world! (Okay not the darkest... Thankfully, we do have electricity!)

It has been too long since I last blogged, I felt itches as I was away, but I was too busy letting life and T.V. get in the way. So let me start off with the SAG awards (no I am not talking about about geriatric models.) As I have mentioned in the past, I am a great lover of movies and have great respect for the people who spend their lives entertaining the likes of me from inside my screen. I was rooting for Hugh Laurie, but unfortunately this great man didn't win anything. But it filled my heart with great joy to see all those talented people being rewarded for their efforts. I was happy to see the world's only living Golden Girl win an award... After all these years, Betty White has still got what it takes! Well done. (I know she won't ever read this... But anyways.)

So now that I got that off of my fuzzy chest...

Why is Christmas known as "Silly Season"?

In my opinion, Valentine's Day is the time of the year where humans are at their silliest! Do you not agree? People spend parts of their retirement funds on flowers, chocolates and other things to try and appease their "significant others". I read a joke on Facebook the other day: Valentines Day = Blowjob Tax. I don't want to elaborate on this calculation for the sake of not polluting your minds with disturbing visuals. But Valentines Day REALLY is nothing but tax... Love tax. Women expect guys to show them(regardless of how many years they have been together) just how much they love them and guys expect to get a PHYSICAL return on their investments.You know who REALLY wins in all this? Cupid! You don't see cupid falling in love with anybody or cutting back on his budget for arrows, just so he can get a ridiculously large bouquet of flowers for someone he loves. Don't tell me he doesn't "score"... I bet you after he is done making sure the most mismatched people in the world end up together, he goes to a bar, orders a couple of drinks and regales his fellow flying female admirers with stories of how he spreads love across the world with his amazing artillery and shooting skills!

Just Kidding people, Valentines Day is cool, if you do happen to be in a good relationship. It is the one day in the year where you can be stupidly love struck and no one will notice because they are too busy being stupidly love struck with you. If you are single, no need to hate on the day, use it as an opportunity to make some money... Sell flowers, chocolates or open a "Lonely Hearts Club" and charge an admission fee for membership, who knows... It might render you stupidly love struck! ;)

Ciao.

It's in the pants...

2011-02-03T12:44:00.000-08:00

Good evening fellow bloggers!

Yes it is a very strange title, but when it comes to this blog... Anything is possible! I have two stories today and both involve pants

Firstly I was at work today, doing my best to make customers believe that the retail world is what my dreams are made of and in walks a gentleman with a squirrel tail hanging from his pocket.... I kid you not, this dude walked in with a long squirrel tail dangling from his pocket! I was tempted to ask him if he was "going commando" but then I decided not to... Didn't want him to think I was NUTS. The mystery was over the moment he pulled on the tail and out came his car keys... (strange key ring I know... But how much stranger would it have been. if he had pulled out a squirrel?)

Secondly, as I so eloquently put it on Facebook this morning, I got stung by a bee today. My left hand looks like an overweight version of "Thing from Addams Family". I put my hand in my pocket to take out my mobile phone, so I could update my status and... BOOM! Thing little bastard was in my pocket and stung me, I have no idea why a bee was in my pocket!? I certainly don't have hives in my pants!

Maybe it was a sign... Technology will take over the world... One sting at a time.

Be well friends.

Ciao.

Weekend Specials

2011-01-29T11:31:00.000-08:00

Good Evening my dear readers... (Yes it is dark here.)

The title of my blog post is a term that is synonymous with the retail world and since it was my weekend to work, I thought I would use it as a title. I am in much better spirits today, it's been a slightly tough week. You see this week I was on the brink of going through a life changing experience that in my belief would have been for the better, but just as I was about to "look through" the window, a shutter came and closed it off from me. I was quite disappointed (hence my previous post.) But, oh well, who knows maybe it wouldn't have been for the better and if it is for the better, I know that another opportunity will come a knocking soon... No use in getting worked up about it because it doesn't make it any easier and won't change anything. So here's to keeping the faith with a smile... (I would raise a glass, but I have a rule that I don't drink stuff near my computer.)

So what humorous things have I seen this weekend?

I don't know why, but in my neck of the woods, strange things always happen on weekends, not bad things, but certainly strange...

Firstly yesterday morning I saw this kid, he looked like he was in his mid teens, except he didn't have acne. He was dressed in the customary soccer gear. (Soccer here on weekends is as popular as grass is to cows.) He had green shoe laces, now it wasn't the fact that they were green, it was the INTENSITY of the green. They were SO GREEN I am quite sure they were GLOW IN THE DARK laces... Which brings a whole new dimension to the term "Watch your step son!"

Next up... This dude walked past me and he was on his mobile phone. He was speaking so loudly that I heard exactly what he was planning for the weekend(I will spare you the horrors of what he may be doing as I write this.). I have no idea why some people insist on SHOUTING when they are on their phones. I was going to suggest that the following weekend he puts his weekend plans in the newspaper because then he would reach even more people! But then I changed my mind.

So anyways, I hope you have a great weekend. Till next time.

Ciao.

Hello Blog... Are you there?

2011-01-26T12:39:00.000-08:00

You know those times in your life where you just wake up and question everything... Stupid little things that not even you can understand like...

Why do I hate coffee?

Why do I do this or that for a living?

Why does my neighbour insist on walking her dog at 5am?

Etc, etc... You know shit like that.

I am having one of those days, it's not mere questioning though, ever heard the term "thinking outside of the box"? Well I am doing a lot of that today and you know what I see? From out here... It looks like I need a new fucking box!

Why do I blog?

I blog because paying for therapy is going to put a major dent in my "other things like beer" budget. I blog because I love to write and I love to write because I'm not much of a talker... I love to write because I have felt the wonderful effects of a good book and want to be able to produce those effects with some of my own ink creations.

Listening to Thank You- Alanis Morissette... Great song.

Had a particularly tiring day at work, my legs are throbbing and I think my post, just for today, may have lost all lucidity and you know you are in DESPERATE need of some Zzz's when you use the word lucidity in your blog. Goodnight...

Ciao.

Pass the mistletoe.

2011-01-24T12:55:00.000-08:00

Oh boy did I have a shitty day. Don't know if it was because it was Monday or something else, but today I was feeling about as cheerful as a cat at an aquarium.

But on the upside, I went to the bookstore yesterday and traded in a couple of banknotes for four books. I am currently reading the first of them: The man who ate the 747 by Ben Sherwood. I am a big fan of romantic comedies... When it comes to movies, romantic comedies are my favourite. So when I read on the cover of this book that it was about some guy who ate a Boeing 747 to prove his love for some chick... I was hooked. Just the idea that some guy would be prepared to eat such a HEAVY meal to prove his feelings for a woman is INSANE. I have a funny feeling that I am going to enjoy it... will keep you posted.

Speaking about women, it is apparently not polite to ask a woman her age or weight? (unless you are her Dr.)

I have no idea who writes these "rules", but something tells me whoever wrote them, has a penchant for high heels...

Anyways, I saw this woman at the bookstore, she had long light brown hair, fair skin and these big blue eyes that sparkled like two crystals...(Exaggeration is the sign of a healthy imagination.) She didn't look a gram over 55kg and she is taller than the average woman but still shorter than me and she works there, at the bookstore. When I looked at her, my heart started beating just a little bit faster... She was HOT.

So, what did I say to her to try and strike up a conversation while bearing in mind that asking age or weight is a big no no?

How was your Christmas?

Not the best of approaches considering that we are nearly in February.

I wish I could say that she batted her eyelashes, melted at the sight of my rugged good looks and promptly arranged for us to go on a date. But what actually happened was, she answered my question politely and gave me a look that suggested she will only continue talking to me if I have any questions about books. So if our interaction didn't end with a game of "base-ball", what is so cool about this post?

I can use it in one of my stories and end it however I want to... Aah, the beauty of being a writer.

Ciao.

Fodder.

2011-01-21T12:13:00.000-08:00

I had a particularly rosy day at work today... We were short staffed. One of my colleagues decided January is the PERFECT month to go on holiday.

The result of this being that I cannot dodge my job, so I can steal a few minutes to write or read. So I ended up doing double the work, We have two display fridges where I work and no air conditioning, which means that whoever has the misfortune of working (yes my hand is raised) next to said fridges, feels the heat emanating from their motors. I was sweating worse than a constipated fat guy, eating a spicy taco in a sauna! It did wonders for my foul mouth though, just when I thought I was losing my vulgar touch, I dropped a pair of scissors by accident and launched a verbal assault of FUCKING proportions that would impress Eminem. It's okay, I have the weekend off, so I will be fine.

Someday I'm going to write a book called THE DANGERS OF RETAIL and it is going to be added to the bookcase of every known psychiatrist in the world. My thesis on mental maladies. You heard it here first. ;).

I am currently listening to Dolphins Cry by Live. Why? I haven't got a fucking clue. After the day I had, the last thing I want to hear about is dolphin tears. I wonder if they are also in the retail business???

Excuse me while I change song...

Even Flow by Pearl Jam. Much better.

In other news, I finally finished Harry Potter and the deathly hallows.(Yes I finished it the day before yesterday when I still had time to steal.) It is the last and for me, the best book of the whole series. But all seven books were phenomenal. I read somewhere on the Internet, a forum where some people were discussing whether J.K. Rowling should write another Harry Potter book. It is of no importance at all, but I am going to give my opinion on the matter. She could very well write another one, she has enough story to continue it... Some people mentioned that maybe she should write a prequel and involve his parents. I disagree, both with her writing another one and the idea of a prequel. Firstly I think she ended Harry Potter beautifully, it ended as it started, brilliantly. It is currently like a shiny trophy on her shelf, shining with all the brilliance of her achievement, but if she keeps pulling it off her shelf, it is going to end up losing it's shine.

But if she writes another one, I will certainly buy it. I love Harry Potter. In my opinion, if she does write another one though, she should keep the story moving forward, not go back. The past has passed, leave it where it is. In her last book, Harry Potter conquered his arch enemy Lord Voldemort and it ends with him 19 years later, married with kids... There you have it, KIDS... Maybe Lord Voldemort could have a kid too and so the battle continues... Harry Potter and the return of the Dark Arts?

Have a great weekend.

Ciao.

Revenge of the greens

2011-01-19T12:26:00.000-08:00

Just when vegetarians thought they were off the hook, along comes this little dude to put a BITE into their plans for longevity. Yes boys, girls, men, women and talking pigs. This funny looking shrub is known as a Venus Fly trap and it is a rebel to the plant world... While all other plants are perfectly happy to eat sun rays and drink water, this guy decides: Fuck it, I need me some meat!

So in this jaded little biology lesson...

I would like to get me one of these things as a pet. I would like to show it that there is more to life than flies and water by giving it a diet of McDonalds and beer. See how happy a Happy Meal would make it. There are also a series of questions that this little guy raises in my mind:

1) If this thing gets drunk, will it puke?

2) When one of these things cease to exist, do we say it "wilted"or do we say it died of hunger?

3) Can it get a belly?

4) How high is it's cholesterol level?

5) Can it become bulimic or anorexic?

6) Can a Venus Fly Trap pull a "Hannibal Lecter" and become vegetarian?

Moral of the story: Stop biting plants because they are starting to bite back.

Ciao.

2011 So far...

2011-01-16T11:04:00.000-08:00

Yet another weekend has come to an end. It was marked for me by two sleepless nights. The first one, due to an unannounced visit by an old friend... Insomnia. The second one because I went to my friend's restaurant, played cards and drank till 2am. (Never a good idea, when you have to wake up at 5:30 to go to work.)

So what's up with my title I hear you asking?

Well, it has to do with my one New Years Resolution. (Remember the one about reading and writing more?) This post is like an update of that. I am happy to report that I have finally finished my "novel"... Yes I have reached a small milestone in the life of a writer. I have completed the first draft of my first "novel". I compare this to walking. As a writer, I have taken my first "baby steps".

It feels great. I have heard so many times people talking about writing a novel or writing this or writing that. But how many of us actually do something about it? How many of us actually sit down and write? I am not trying to claim that I am suddenly some kind of sage when it comes to writing now... But to become a writer, first and foremost, you have to sit down and write. If you are not prepared to sit down and put your imagination to paper, then you cannot say you are a writer. I think every writer dreams of being published, when people talk about "the bigger picture"... I think most writers see a career publishing novels. If I am wrong then I'm sorry, but that is what I see. Whether it will happen or not, I have no idea... But by completing this draft, I feel one small step closer to that dream. So to lend a quote from a fellow blogger(thanks Erica.) Like with anything in life, if you want something with all your heart... then just do it.

Now for the reading part of my resolution. I have finished reading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and I am now half way through Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I am feeling a mixture of happiness and sadness. Happiness because I always feel a great sense of joy when I read a great book (great by my standards of course.) Sadness, because after six journeys with Harry and his friends, I have grown quite "attached" to them. So to know that this seventh journey will be the final one, is a tad sad. My hat goes off to J.K. Rowling though, what she has achieved is truly amazing!

Now, if you all excuse me, I have sleep to catch up on...

Ciao.

Back to school

2011-01-12T12:21:00.000-08:00

Even if I didn't know that schools were opening today, I would have guessed right because the streets were flooded with children of all shapes and sizes wearing uniforms and chatting like flocks of noisy birds as they walked to the waiting buses being manned by drivers, who like me, seem to know they need to get better jobs. It was the kind of atmosphere that would probably make pedophiles salivate...

I then thought to myself, imagine if I had a chance to go back to school right now? You know, do high school over again. What would it be like?

Firstly I would study, study, study... I would study so hard it would make Bill Gates go red with embarrassment. I would bring a packed lunch which would consist of:

A very large sandwich packed with things that would make McDonalds seem healthy to vegetarians.

A beer.

If any of the kids tried to bully me, I would get back at them by dating their older sisters (if no older sister were available, I would settle for a cousin, I would say Moms... But that might upset their fathers...) I would bring my own car so I could steal one of my teacher's parking spaces. School would be GREAT.

Speaking of schools and shit, I went for a haircut and decided to do it Military style. I shaved it so short you can see my slow starting bald spot creep out of my hairline like a thief climbing out of a bush. I'm not a big fan of spending too much time in front of a mirror, so this hairstyle is perfect for me.

RANDOM THOUGHT: The world is such a strange place, that it wouldn't surprise me at all if one day I run into a woman with a wooden leg called Peggy.

Ciao.

Magic Monday?

2011-01-10T11:35:00.000-08:00

I think if I ever publish a book, it will be on a Monday. Why? Well, as my blog clearly shows, Monday's and I are not good mates. So as a truce, or rather a declaration, I will sing Monday's praises if I ever publish a book on a Monday. But until then...

I say Magic Monday because I started reading my first book of the year... It happens to be Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Nothing like a book about wands and wizards to entertain you on a Monday morning (especially when dealing with the usual loathing that stems from a job in retail.) When I spent time in the U.K. way back in 2003, a friend suggested that I read the Harry Potter books. I looked at him, laughed and said: "Dude, what the fuck? I'm not a kid..." He laughed, told me that he had read them, enjoyed them immensely and promptly lended them to me (without me asking for such kindness.) Anyways, after staring at these books for a couple of days, I took my friends suggestion to heart and gave them a go. I was hooked. I loved it, I read the first four books and found myself standing in a long queue at a bookshop like a sheep to buy the fifth one. Then I came back home and life took over for a while... But this weekend, another friend of mine(the one from the restaurant to be exact... Please refer to blog post: It's a stupid world.) told me he had the whole collection and lent me the last two books. Joy.

I haven't seen any of the movies yet. When books become movies, I ALWAYS try to read the book first because I believe if you do it the other way around, you are ruining the whole experience. Call me crazy it's fine, because I have been called much worse! ;) So once I am finished reading them, I am going to hire all the movies and watch them one by one.

I found it very amusing that in J.K. Rowlings wizard world we common humans are known as muggles... Gotta love Muggle-imagination. Brilliant. :)

Random # 1

2011-01-07T12:31:00.000-08:00

There are times in a blogger's life when it is just too full of mundaneness to concentrate on one simple topic to blog about. Hence the birth of the RANDOM POSTS:

It is with great elation that I inform you that while watching the notorious Chelsea Lately the other night, I was informed of the fact that Mila Kunis is single again! Yes, it seems Macaulay Culkin is Home Alone again... And this time he is not getting paid for it. Shame. On the upside, she is available again! Which means if I happen to run into her, I have a much better chance of hooking up with her now! (What? Dreams are to be enjoyed aren't they?) She is so HOT, see for yourself:

If you have been an avid reader of this blog, you know very well that my life is not made of relentless social gatherings and cocaine filled orgies... But rather beer, movies, TV and music. Yes these and writing are the things that fill the time in my life that would otherwise be free. So yesterday, I went on You Tube and watched videos of Jimi Hendrix... He died when I was still a tadpole, so I never had the privilege of being around when he was making waves. (I have so many times wished that I had grown up in the 70's.) But he blew me away! I am a great fan of rock music... I like stuff from Korn to Nirvana to Pearl Jam and if you go even further back I like some of Guns n Roses's work too. (To me, Slash is the second greatest guitarist on earth... He was first, but this dead guy called Jimi dethroned him.) What I love most about rock music is the beautiful sound of the guitar... I love the guitar so much that I have promised myself to one day learn how to play one. Not to become a musician or anything like that, just to know. It is another art form and you already know how much I love art.

Jimi blew me away with his six string abilities. WOW! And like I always do when I stumble upon a great mind... I go on google, read their biography and check their famous quotes:

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.- Jimi Hendrix.

Ciao.

The write way to do things?

2011-01-05T12:47:00.000-08:00

Survived another day in the little cesspool that is the retail world... It was drizzling and the sky was as grey as a salon floor after a "Half-Price-For-Pensioners" day.

I love rain by the way, not a lot of rain, just enough rain to hear the constant gentle tapping on your window... That is awesome! Unlike most people, I love winter. It's a pity we don't get snow here, I have always dreamed of building a snowman... I love winter for two reasons:

1) Trust me, after one African summer, you will be willing to give up a kidney for a constant winter.

2) It reminds me of Europe... The place I dream of moving to, after my most obvious dream is fulfilled first of course!

Every time I see European countries on TV, it fills me with longing... I have been to Portugal(for me it is home.) and the UK... But there is so much more that I would love to see: France, Germany, Holland. The list goes on and on. I have been to Madrid once, what an amazing city... I fell in love with Spain the moment I stepped out of the airport and looked around at the amazing sights of all the majestic buildings and the clean streets... Then of course there is the people... I haven't encountered that many people on my somewhat limited travels, but of all the nations I have come across, the Spanish are by far the friendliest. So that said, here is yet another dream I am officially adding to my list: Live in Spain.

I bought three books the week before 2010 finished... I have tried to read two of them and am currently busy reading the third one. I say tried because, there just wasn't enough to keep me turning the pages with the first two. (The third one so far, looks like it is going to be a winner.) I don't like buying a book and then when I start reading it, I realise I can't finish it... It feels like I have betrayed the writer or that there is something wrong with me as a reader and every time this happens, I always think to myself: If I ever publish a book, I hope none of the people that buy it do this to my book.

But that is just it, you cannot please everyone because people are different. So, not that I am in any position to give anyone advice on writing, but so far this is what I have learnt: When you write, write because you want to, because you need to. Write with your heart and hopefully, even if you don't please everyone, you will please enough people to keep you doing it till you are too old to walk by yourself.

Ciao.

Out with the old, in with the new... Welcome 2011.

2011-01-03T12:55:00.000-08:00

Good evening fellow bloggers,

Yes I have revamped my blog and in the process of doing so, have finally revealed my identity... Are you disappointed? Were you expecting Elvis to be coming back from the dead, from here? So sorry.

It is a brand New Year and in keeping with the common trend amongst human beings, I assessed my life and decided to make small but significant changes to it. Starting with my blog. I am divorced, I have been divorced for just over two years now. The operative part of that sentence being TWO YEARS. It's time to move on from that and look forward to the one part of our lives that we tend to forget exists at times, our future. There are things in our lives that we unfortunately cannot control... But I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason", so as hard as it may be, let's try look at the bigger picture shall we? A friend told me something once, in the wake of my divorce and it was one of the best pieces of advice I have ever heard:

Being single can be lonely, but it doesn't compare to the lonliness felt by someone who is in a bad relationship.

Divorces like so many other things in life, just happen, people grow apart... all we can do is pick ourselves up and try again, making sure we learn each and every step of the way, till we find the ever elusive happiness we all seek.

So, like my title suggests: Out with the old and in with the new. I am not going to make too many New Years Resolutions because, my track record with New Years Resolutions is much like my track record with Marriage so far... ;). BUT, there is one resolution that I am going to make and intend on keeping, here it is:

I am going to read and write more than I did last year.

With that said, I hope that 2011 will finally be THE YEAR.

Here is a quote from my fellow country man, who happened to be a famous poet too:

No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance, unless some stupidity is mixed in with it.- Fernando Pessoa.

Ciao.

On the craft...

2010-12-15T12:12:00.000-08:00

Good evening fellow cyberlings,

Where have I been? Nowhere special, just busy poking at my dreams with the point of a pen.

I am here to talk about writing tonight, am I published, not yet?
Do I have much to learn? Most definitely.
Am I taking the necessary steps to learn as much as I can? I believe I am.

At the suggestion of a fellow writer, I bought Stephen King's book On writing. I trust this fellow writer because she has published three or four books. She told me that it is both a fascinating book and very insightful for anyone who is attempting to break into the gigantic world of writing. I am about half way through and I couldn't agree more.

I have not read a Stephen King book in my entire life, why? Well at the age of eight or ten, I watched IT and came THIS CLOSE to crapping my pants! From that moment onwards, I made a mental note to stay away from any thing with the words "Stephen King" written on the cover.But his success speaks for itself, whether horror writing is your mug of beer or not does not matter. You cannot deny the talents of Stephen King as a storyteller. I have a great deal of respect for any writer who has reached the peak of the literary mountain. (For me, as I think it is for all aspiring writers, the peak is to be published more than once.)

I am about half way into his book On Writing and I am in utter awe of this man. The book as he says is about how a writer was formed, not made. He has a sharp wit that I find extremely enjoyable to read and so far I have learnt quite a lot about the craft. All I can say after what I have read so far is that for any second and third drafts of how ever many books I may write, if I write any... I have my work cut out for me. But I am looking forward to it. It's hard work, but so rewarding. Another thing I felt while reading this book is that my level of education is not nearly enough. So to all of you who are still fortunate enough to be in school and stumble upon this... STAY IN SCHOOL and work your ass off! You will have plenty of time to shag and get pissed after you have reached your dreams. Don't fuck up your opportunities because they may only come once.

I finished school and I have done an online writing course, I am currently busy with my second one. So I am not totally hopeless. A college or university degree may not be absolutely essential, but it sure makes the journey MUCH easier. You can climb mountains alone. If you have the sheer willpower and passion to do it, you will find a way. But obviously if you are properly equipped with safety harnesses etc... It will make your climb much easier and such is the business of writing. You can do it without a degree or diploma, but if you have them, it will make the process much smoother for you.

So to anyone who may be on the same rocking boat as I am, welcome, fuck the life jacket, Get yourself a copy of Stephen King's On Writing.

Ciao.

It's a stupid world...

2010-12-07T11:33:00.000-08:00

Hello there fellow bloggers!

It feels good to be back because here is the one place where I can just open the lid to my mind and pour out... It's very cathartic. Anyways, back to my title...

Yes, the world can be a very stupid place filled with very stupid people. All you have to do is watch back to back episodes of Chelsea Lately and you will see exactly what I mean. The thing is, everyone is blessed(or cursed?) with a bout of stupidity every now and again... Occasional stupidity is the one thing that no amount of education can cure, we as humans are flawed that way. I am no exception. On Sunday, I was babysitting my two nephews (yes the retail world let me off the hook for a little while) and I took them out to eat. So when I realised I was as broke as a homeless man with no pockets, I went to an ATM machine to withdraw some wallet paper. Bear in mind that I have used my bank card to do this very action about one hundred times since I opened the account. So I fed my card to the machine, it asked for my pin code and I typed it in, what did it say?

ERROR WRONG PIN.

I tried again and again and again... Until the machine blocked my card. I drove off to another ATM machine, but it had already heard the rumour from it's 'buddy' across town and didn't accept my pin code either. So after a fit of swearing that would make a rapper blush, I went home and checked my pin code. The one I was typing was wrong. I had officially forgotten the pin code I had been using for the past three years! I made sure to remember the right pin and went back to the machine, but it was too late, the machines told me to phone the bank to unblock my card first. FUCKING BRILLIANT I said! So, then I foraged in the forgotten crevices of my car and scraped up enough money to pay my bill at the restaurant.(PS: The owner is a friend of mine, so he let me leave the store to try and sort out my monetary issues... Just thought I would let you know, in case you thought I went AWOL on my bill and made a run for it.)

So yes, it's not only Blondes, we are all showered with stupidity now and again... It's inevitable, so embrace it and it will pass before you know it. (Actually you will know it... Unless you're really stupid!) ;)

Ciao.

RIP Leslie Nielsen...

2010-11-29T11:23:00.000-08:00

I had a very good weekend. I watched Dead Poets Society, which in my opinion is a really great movie. One of the classics for sure. I enjoyed it immensely and I have a new found respect for Robin Williams after seeing him play the role of Mr. John Keating. Great character, brilliantly portrayed by him.

Speaking of actors, I learnt, via my incurable Internet addiction, that Leslie Nielsen passed away today. (Yes, the old man from The Naked Gun series of movies.) I have never met the man or anyone else who may have met him. But I was saddened by the news because I remember being a little fat kid, stuck to my sofa while watching the Naked Gun movies and laughing my ass off! Leslie Nielsen was a funny guy. Not only did he make history in the world of films and TV, but I am sure he had an impact on the lives of everyone who had the pleasure of meeting him. He seemed like a really great guy.

I am by no means a stand up comedian, but I love to laugh, I believe laughter is essential for the well being of a person's soul. Laughter is the life blood of every pleasant experience within human capacity. I believe it truly is the best medicine. So when I come across somebody who has a talent for making people laugh till they fall over and shit themselves, and uses that talent to bring a little bit of happiness to the world around them by whatever means, I am filled with admiration for them. Leslie Nielsen made history with his movies, he changed the world with his sense of humour... He made people smile and forget their worries, even if it was only for 90 minutes at a time. He was a talented man, a master of his craft. And here I salute the man. RIP Leslie Nielsen. I have never watched his movie Aeroplane. But apparently on it, is the world famous line that cemented his place on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and in the hearts and minds of every movie lover in the world, I leave you with it here:

Character: Surely you are not serious?

Leslie Nielsen: I am very serious, and don't call me Shirley!

LMAO.

Ciao.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T11:55:00.000-08:00

Yes after a delay worse than the one on the airlines during that Icelandic volcano eruption.... I am back!

Wow, I have seen plenty of blog fodder the past week and a half! Let's start from the top. My week started with seeing a guy walking through town carrying a LAWNMOWER and to all you possibly curious Americans reading this, no he was not Mexican! Why on earth would someone carry a lawnmower into the middle of town!?! Aspiring gardener no doubt.

I have spent the majority of my free time writing, I am not going to give too much detail on what I am writing because yes I am a little superstitious and don't want to jinx my very first work of art... But I will say this, if my main character doesn't die of gonorrhea or liver cirrhosis by the end of the story, it will be a true miracle!

I had a very interesting conversation with my nephew the other day. Well, it wasn't that interesting until it ended. Why? Well because it ended a little something like this:

Damian: BLD(Yes he calls me by my first name because the word "uncle" freaks me out just a little bit) Do you like crabs?

BLD: (Very audible laughter) Not if they are in my pants!

Damian: (Confused) Why the hell would anyone be stupid enough to put crabs in their pants?

BLD: Good Point! (More laughter)

Gotta love the innocence of children! ;)

This non-beer diet I am on sucks ass by the way... I am not a big fan of wine... I like my grapes fresh and not in bottles thank you very much.

So to all my American friends, Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you have a brilliant one! If I was in the USA, I would certainly go LARGE and celebrate. Heard a great joke that is perfect for the occasion.

WARNING: If you have children in the room, tell them to go find the tooth fairy RIGHT NOW. If you are eating turkey, throw it away because I doubt you will stomach it after this joke. Here we go:

A grandma asks her grandson to insert her suppository for her and drops her knickers. The grandson, confused at what he is looking at asks her:

Hey Grandma, should I put it in the brown hole or should I feed the turkey!

LMFAO... So much for a Happy Thanksgiving! (Gobble... Gobble!)

Ciao.

Life in between the in betweens...

2010-11-16T11:08:00.000-08:00

Yes it has been another week. I am not trying to make my blog a weekly thing like a column for a newspaper, it's just happening that way.

I have been busy, writing instead of procrastinating for a change! I am currently edging towards 30000 words. I have received encouraging feed back on it and most importantly, I am thoroughly enjoying it. I ordered a book by Stephen King called "On Writing", someone recommended it to me and said it was quite a useful tool for anyone who is thinking of jumping into the gigantic ocean of 'becoming a writer.' So I am waiting patiently for this investment package to arrive now.

Despite all the writing, I still found time to watch Kill Bill and Kill Bill Vol 2. Two great movies by the talented Quentin Tarantino. I had heard so much about them, I decided to see for myself... I wasn't disappointed.

My Dad's favourite programme is the Portuguese version of CNN. He loves watching the news, much to my disappointment. He is particularly interested in politics (I think in a previous life, if previous lives exist, he was the president of some far off island that had a name that no one knew how to pronounce.) It really sucks that I have to give him control over the remote just because he bought it with his own money. ;)

INTERESTING THOUGHTS

If dogs had their own social network like FB, would the "LIKE" button be changed to a "LIFT YOUR LEG ON THIS" button.

If lesbians had their own social network like FB, would the "LIKE" button be changed to a "LICK" button. (Did I go one too far? I'm sorry.)

Here is proof that your mind is SO MUCH dirtier than mine: What is pink and juicy once you get into it?
A watermelon.

THE END

I went to a nutritionist recently to get tips on how to live a healthier lifestyle because there is still so much sarcasm in me to be shared with the world, I need as much time as I can possibly get! So anyways, the first thing she told me was that I had to give up beer. (Something tells me it had something to do with the size of my midsection?) She said I shouldn't drink at all, but if I had to, I could drink red wine or triple distilled whiskey. Which to me is like telling an obese kid to not eat at McDonalds ever again but he can eat at KFC if he wants to?!?

She also suggested I replace the regular bread that I usually eat, with rye bread. Suddenly, this seemed like one of those things, where you end up telling your friends: 'It seemed like a good idea at the time?) I don't like rye bread... Look at what colour it is... CATCH MY DRIFT NOW? ;)

Much love dear readers.

Ciao.

It's been a week...

2010-11-08T12:33:00.000-08:00

Good evening fellow cyberlings.

I have been away for a whole week. What has happened? (Don't get your hopes up.)

Nothing exciting really, just the usual happenings of a day in the life of an extremely bored retailer. Remember I told you I was nearly trampled on by a cop on a horse recently? Well, sometime during the week, Seabiscuit and his pet cop came galloping along again the other day. Only this time, he decided to bring his family with him, there were about four of them waltzing along in front of the shop where I work... It was like something straight out of Brokeback Mountain, except instead of cowboys who look like Hollywood stars, they were cops who looked like, well cops. (?!) Seabiscuit & The crumbs is what I called them, yes Seabiscuit was the biggest horse, he always is, isn't he! ;)

Speaking of strange sightings, I went to the toilet where I work, you know the one that has been made famous thanks to this blog. Well, I saw an empty bottle of booze there that said: MINT PUNCH at the bottom. then I noticed the Health Warning label, the one's everyone reads except the person who is drinking the bottle, and it said: WARNING: DRINKING DURING PREGNANCY MAY HARM THE BABY. This label is wrong in so many ways, I mean most heavy drinkers are also heavy gamblers... Which means that to them words like "may" aren't seen as a warning but a challenge. So when they see the word "May" they feel the need to prove the "May" wrong... A.K.A: Warnings using the word "May" = Bad move. Also, isn't a basic rule of life that you should always look on the bright side and think positively, so when I saw that bottle I thought: "Hey if the kid comes out harmed, it's not so bad, at least he will have a fresh breath... It did say MINT PUNCH! ;)

For those of you who may not know, I am an AVID fan of movies, I think I have seen well over 200 movies. I love movies, just like music and books, they are a wonderful form of art and I love art. So now that we are on the subject of movies, let me just say that I think Quentin Tarantino is brilliant. I am a big fan of his movies. I loved Pulp Fiction and more recently, I loved Inglorious Basterds. I watched Machete this weekend and it blew me away! It's a great movie. Robert Rodriguez has officially been added to my list of brilliant directors. It starred; Robert De Niro, Danny Trejo, Don Johnson, Michelle Rodriguez, Jessica Alba and Lindsay Lohan... With such an ensemble of talent, the movie was bound to be a smashing success. I loved it.

I also watched A lot like love(AGAIN), starring Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet. This is one of my all time favourite movies, I have watched it about 5 times now (since it was made) and I still enjoyed it very much. It's just a beautiful movie, it isn't a typical Rom-Com with all the perfect moments where the dude catches the chick in his arms after she trips on something stupid like a napkin. A lot like love is complicated, funny, sad and beautiful... Which makes it REAL. Real characters, believable situations and just a touch of magic, enough to give you that warm feeling that all Rom-Coms should give you. Definitely on my Top Ten favourites list.

Ciao.

PS: These two gorgeous women made Machete that much more brilliant than it already was.

Sundogs & House

2010-11-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

It is the first time in my quarter centuried life that I have seen a "sun dog". So you can imagine how freaked out I was when I looked up at the sky and noticed that the sun was changing it's habits!

I could get technical and explain how sun dogs occur etc, etc. But for one, I might make a complete tit of myself because meteorology was never something I have been obsessed with and for two, there really are better things to talk about.

I found out today that I had this void in my life. I was contemplating going to a psychiatrist, but then I realised that it was because I miss watching House MD. I need that daily fix of witty sarcasm to keep my upbeat! ;) I can't wait for the next season, I have no idea when House is going to hit the African shores, but I hope it's very soon because It's good to have a Dr. in your living room on a daily basis.

Until then I will have to make do with You Tube. I literally searched this theme song, which by the way is my favourite one of the two, and watched it... Can't wait!

Ciao.

WTA

2010-10-30T12:57:00.000-07:00

No my good friends, WTA does not stand for Who's That Asshole. Not even in my world.

It does stand for Women's Tennis Association. Did I mention that I love tennis? Well just incase I didn't. I do. I love tennis. Can't play tennis to save my life. But I love it. Especially women's tennis. While every other living creature on THIS side of the hemisphere is watching the rugby today (I hate rugby, I just don't see the point of it. For me it's just a bunch of meatheads hugging each other while sharing an oval ball.) I tuned in to watch the sinfully sexy Caroline Wozniacki defeat her opponent from Russia, Vera Zvonareva.

My love for women's tennis started ten years ago when I was just a horny 16 year old boy. It was the first time I ever watched women playing tennis and it was love at first sight. The short skirts bouncing up and down as they run around the court, the intensity of their groans as they hit the ball... (But beautiful aesthetics aside, I enjoy tennis. I am quite a big fan of Roger Federer as well.) Her name was Anna Kournikova, she was beautiful and I fell in love. Enrique Iglesias is a lucky man.

But move over mrs. Iglesias because there is a new Queen of the Courts in town, suddenly I don't associate the word "Denmark" with the word "Pastries" anymore. Now I associate the word "Denmark" with the words "Wozniacki is fucking hot!" And ontop of being hot enough to make my mind do things that could cause blushing, she is the # 1 tennis player in the world. I Likes Caroline Wozniacki!

I wish her the best of luck for the DOHA final against Kim Cjisters, I hope she kicks ass. She has my full support.

Ciao.

Halloween.

2010-10-28T14:10:00.000-07:00

Yes all you literate creatures out there! Halloween is upon us. That means all the little people are going ape shit buying suits so they can go trick or treating in town. I am too old to go trick or treating, but that doesn't mean I can't have any fun!

I am tempted to go out and buy a full box of "roofies" for all the sweet kids who come asking me for TREATS! ;)

I read in today's local paper that the most famous Halloween suit is a Lady Gaga suit. This does not surprise me. We are talking about a person who dressed as a dead cow! Since the whole Twilight business came out, vampires have totally lost their scare factor! Think about it, after watching Twilight, are you really scared of vampires... They glow in the sun for fuck sakes!

I am not going to dress up, but if I was, here are some of the suit ideas that made my list:

- A mouldy slice of bread.
- My toe. (Trust me, if you haven't had the misfortune of seeing my toes, count your blessings. They are horrific enough to stop traffic!)
- A cabbage. Don't know about you but cabbages scare the fuck out of me. Especially when my Mom decides to put them in the pots that are supposed to cook our food!

I am really knackered because Insomnia decided to come and tuck me in to bed last night...

Ciao.

The beauty of books...

2010-10-26T13:20:00.000-07:00

Since I am an aspiring writer, it is pretty obvious that I am also an avid reader, just like it's obvious that most people who dream of going to Amsterdam, smoke weed.

So let me talk a little bit about books. Those of you who love reading as much as I do will understand this post. I have read many books and all of them have affected me in one way or another, I have either related to a situation or character in a book or I have just sat back and enjoyed the scenery through the character as he stumbles through his life with often comic consequences. But books are like many other things in life, there is always that one special book that you will never forget, it stands out for some odd reason. It's like while you read it, it seems like the author is talking directly to you through his character. You relate to it almost completely. It's like the book is a reverse clairvoyant... It only tells you of the things you felt sometime in your past. It's like you relate so much to this character, that without reading the rest of the book you can almost predict how the character is going to end up. That's how well you seem to know him. Have you read a book like this?

"One for my baby"-Tony Parsons is that kind of book for me.

It isn't my favourite book ever, but it is the book I have related to the most, so far... It's not because I am similar to the character in anyway. Shit, his name is Alfie Budd, his wife died and he wants to learn Tai Chi. If you don't know my name, sit tight, you might hear it sometime. Just know that it is not Alfie Budd. My wife didn't die but she thought it would be a better idea if she left me for some one else, so that I could add "ex" to her title and I always thought Tai Chi was a cocktail in some low budget bar in Shanghai. (Ok I didn't think that, but play along...)

But the feelings Alfie feels because of his loss. And his state of mind due to it, I relate to, fully.

It is good to read a book like this. It gives that warm feeling and sense of belonging. Great book.

Ciao.

Ze Veekend.

2010-10-24T10:31:00.000-07:00

No I didn't hook up with one of Hitler's fairer sexed descendants this weekend. I just felt like writing a title with a German accent, to see how it would feel, maybe I would feel different. I don't.

I went to a party this weekend, drank four beers and left. Why? I just wasn't having a good time. The food was great, the vibe was okay, the company wasn't anything to jump for joy about, but if I was one of these party animals, you know the one's you see at parties who could even make friends with a bar of soap because their personalities are as bubbly as a box of champagne. I probably would have enjoyed it. Anyways I didn't.

Woke up this morning very unhungover and went to the mall to buy my Mom a birthday present. Yep, it's her birthday next week. I was tempted to buy her one of these gigantic ceramic heads I saw at a gift shop there. Just a head. I have no idea who buys these kinds of things. In my opinion, unless you're Hannibal Lectar and have a penchant for cooking, you shouldn't decorate any part of your house with gigantic ceramic heads. Anyways, I bought her a mini-statue of an angel, like you see on fountains. I also bought her a card because it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Then I went to the bookstore and walked around for nearly 45 minutes before I decided to buy a book called One More For My Baby written by a dude called Tony Parsons. Never read any of this guy's work but that was literally the most promising book I saw. The shelves were full of crime fiction novels, which to be honest I avoid. I don't know why, I just assume that I won't enjoy them. I loved Stieg Larsson's Millenium Trilogy. But only because Lisbeth was such an attracting character to read about. I will give one of them a try sometime. But not right now.

It is so hot down here today that I am breaking a sweat even as I type this. NOTE TO SELF: Try to invent a water-proof computer then you can type naked in the shower.

Ciao.

In the land of women...

2010-10-22T14:56:00.000-07:00

As I write to you, my dear online friends, I am surrounded by women. (Calm the fuck down, they are both related to me and incest isn't on my list of experiments!)

You see we were invited to a 21st Birthday Party which is to occur tomorrow night. So my Mom thought it would be a great Idea to call my Sister-in-law here to stink up the house by giving her a manicure. Trust me, after shit, piss, puke and the atomic bomb. Nail Polish has got to be the most vile thing that hit planet earth. It stinks. Alot. Isn't it just abit weird that women paint there nails for an occasion that's supposed to happen 24 hours later? I've heard of preparation, but that's fucking RIDICULOUS!

Note to self: Always have a gas mask handy because you never know when you might run into a woman with her very own manicure kit.

My Mom baked (before the manicure of course... Because Revlon Sponge Cake sounds very unhealthy.) She warned me not to touch it because it was for tomorrow's party. Feeling tempted...

Well, since I am off on Sunday... I think tomorrow I will indulge in a good old fashioned Piss-Up and get completely shit faced. Then I can go to the bookstore with a hangover and see what kind of titles I will pick.

Hope you all have fucktastic weekends!

Ciao.

Out of the horse's mouth...

2010-10-21T14:03:00.000-07:00

Awkward title? Yes, I know. It is because an awkward occurrence occured today.

Besides the fact that the temperature was dancing around the 34 degrees Celsius, which in America is somewhere in the 3 digit Fahrenheit, I think. Anyways besides the sweat and swearing inducing temperatures. I ran away from a horse today. Much to the delight of the strangers who witnessed this.

Sometimes where I work, I occasionally see law enforcement officers travelling by horse. I have no idea why, but I assume it is because they are taking this whole global warming thing to heart OR they are die hard fans of John Wayne movies, I don't know.

But today as I waltzed to the bathroom, I saw a cop on a horse, so I got out of his way and carried on, the only problem is that as I turned to carry on my journey, I came face to chest with another stallion. I did a semi-jump and nearly dived out of the way, much to the amusement of the 100 odd people who were expecting to see me get trampled on by Sea Biscuit! People can be so mean. Even the cop who was manning the horse (this phrase sounds so wrong in this sentence) laughed at me. I could've sworn that even Sea Biscuit himself was smirking at me.

I watched a movie called THE SUNCHASER, with Woody Harrelson and John Seda. In short, it's about a dying John Seda who kidnaps Woody Harrelson, his Dr. To go to a mountain to find a cure. Great Story. Great Dialogue (Especially from John Seda, who seems to have a masters degree in saying my favourite F word in this movie.) Awesome movie.

Ciao.

One of those days... Again.

2010-10-20T14:12:00.000-07:00

So, in between sweating from places that I didn't know had pores and trying to keep my eyes open because that is an essential requirement in my line of work. I did some writing.

I had a slow day at work, so I decided to take out my draft book and carry on with the story I am busy writing. I wrote about 1000 words today (if you coun't the one's I scratched out for not being right.) So in actual fact I wrote about 400. You know with this writing stuff, you get days where you have diarrhoea of the brain and just keep on producing ideas that stick to the page like shiny shit sticks to outfits at a gay parade. Then you get days where writing is like pulling out teeth. The ideas just don't want to come out without a great deal of "pain."

If I was a painter, today would be a day where I run out of paint or accidentally dip my brush in thinners instead of water while smoking a fat cigar...

If I was a mechanic, today would be a day where I go out to fix some one's car and then run out of petrol in my own car to get back to work...

I could carry on... If it is absolutely necessary?

I also finished reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. Good book. A little on the depressing side, not something you should read if you think jumping off of a bridge without a safety harness is a fantastic idea. But all in all, a great book by a great writer with enough talent to fill the Grand Canyon. She died too young. I am a great fan of her poetry and her book is just as good. R.I.P Sylvia Plath.

Due to the fact that I would have to sell my house in order to afford adequate air conditioning. (I mean where the fuck would I put it then?) I bought a fan instead and I have planted it right next to my bed so that while I sleep, I can feel the cool air keeping insomnia at bay...

Ciao.

Mondayne

2010-10-18T13:01:00.000-07:00

The nest is no more. My hair finally reached a length where it could get me arrested if I walk out in public with it. SO, I went for a haircut... The follicles fell to the ground in heaps like ant hills, I had a slight heart to heart with the lady who has the misfortune of tackling what's left of my hairstyle. She is a wonderful person, so inspiring and the closest thing to therapy I will ever indulge in. She always has good advice.

This is probably the shortest post I will ever write.(For references... Check my title.)

I have made a pact with myself, to stop hating so much... I'm going to start slow, first up, I am going to try and stop hating Mondays.

Ciao.

Didlo wars...

2010-10-15T13:51:00.000-07:00

First and foremost I would like to say I am "back". The reason for my somewhat somber mood was a health scare. I had to run some tests and they came back today and I was given a clean bill of health. Thank God. Nothing makes you appreciate life like when you realise you could lose it... Appreciate and cherish people because life really can be very short.

Now back to my awkward title... I was assaulted today. Without planning or wanting it, I experienced something that must be on many a bucket list... WORLDWIDE. I was slapped with a dildo today. On my arm. Now before you think I engaged in some kind of weird sex game, let me just start from the beginning. There is a 63 year old man who comes to the shop where I work to buy his fruit and vegetables from me. Now because of his frequent appearances in the shop and because he is an avid drinker, we have cultivated a somewhat friendly relationship. He is also an African traditional healer, specialising in curing erectile dysfunction.So today he came to the shop and we engaged in the usual banter and I started giving him shit about you know, the usual stuff like "Do you still have a liver?" "How many dicks have you looked at today?" "Are they bigger than yours?"

So this dude, laughs and then pulls out a dildo and slaps me on the arm! It hurt quite abit actually, but I just laughed like a deranged fan at a Dane Cook show! I GOT SLAPPED WITH A DILDO!!! He then casually put the dildo back in his pocket as if it was a pistol and walked off even more casually! LOL

Now my question here is what the fuck possesses a pensioner to walk around with a dildo in his pocket!?! Does he just go around slapping people with it at random, like he's playing tag or something?

Here's some food for thought: You know in bars, how women love throwing their drinks in the faces of men whom they think are total dildoheads... Well have you ever wondered what lesbians do to other lesbians whom they don't like, at bars? After what happened to me today, I have a strong inclination to believe that lesbians walk around with dildo's in their pockets, so they can turn down each other's advances when they don't like what they see, via slap to the forehead with said dildo after dunking it in their drink of course. To quote a FB status from a friend of mine, that I saw recently... "Revenge is a dish best served COLD!"

Hope you all have wonderful weekends.

Ciao.

PS: Always wear protection because you never know what that pensioner you're laughing at might be packing!

billy idol - sweet 16

2010-10-14T13:55:00.000-07:00

Yes it has been a week since I have written anything on my beloved blog. The reason? I am having a slight mental malady, a personal problem, which I don't want to discuss, that is draining me both mentally and spiritually. It's a problem that not even beer can fix I am afraid. But I am a faithful person and with shit loads of prayer, I am hoping to overcome this "mental break" very soon and bounce back.

During my week away, I indulged in some reading, some writing and some listening because books and music are the two greatest individual pleasures I have in my life and I am very thankful for, among many other things, having the possiblities to enjoy both. I hope to one day reach the height of fulfillment with my dream and make a difference one day. Like so many others before me... I want to go in their direction but by carving my own path. I firmly believe that if you go for what you love with passion, God will reward you by guiding you forward with your dreams...

I read:

Roald Dahl: My Uncle Oswald
Roald Dahl: Someone Like You (Short Story Collection)
Sylvia Plath: The Bell Jar (Currently reading)

I was about 11 years old when I heard this song for the first time and I was absolutely blown away, I have loved rock ever since. Billy Idol is a legend and I still love this song.

Ciao.

Pest Controllers.

2010-10-06T13:27:00.000-07:00

After countless attempts at D.I.Y pest controlling in our store. I finally came to the conclusion that it is better to call a professional. (Actually it's because one of our customers picked up a whole family of cockroaches that were chilling under a packet of apples that she wanted to buy.) You know you need to do something when you buy something in a store and get the cockroaches for free.

So I called in a professional pest controller, he arrived looking like he was going to enter a full scale war zone. He had a contraption that was strapped to his back, which had tubes coming out of it and he was carrying a tool box. His facial features suggested that he and Kane from WWE were separated at birth. He was like Kane's MINI-ME. Except he had hair and wasn't so crazy about starting fires.

So off he went holding his massive hosepipe spraying every nook and cranny of the store like an excited dog with a reflex of the hind leg. Moments later, there were cockroach corpses everywhere. It was total blitzkrieg! They were dropping to the floor faster than a prostitutes underwear. We eventually cleaned up all the cadavers (which would have filled a bathtub) and I am happy to report that we are no longer handing out live cockroaches with every purchase. Sorry to those of you who might have gotten used to the hospitality.

You probably wondering what the fuck does Roald Dahl have to do with my pest controlling endeavours... Well nothing. I just put that picture up because that is the book I am currently reading. In general I am not a big fan of short stories, I think I have read one collection and it was from a variety of different authors. I did enjoy that and I am thoroughly enjoying this Roald Dahl collection. I have a lot of respect for his abilities, he is a true legend of literature, even his short stories show it. He has a knack for painting a vivid picture in the reader's mind with his descriptions, which makes reading an even greater pleasure. But I prefer a novel, it gives me more time to really get to know the characters and get a chance to connect with them. Short Stories are a little bit like eating a bowl of soup with chopsticks, you get the flavour and you enjoy it, but you don't ever get a chance to enjoy it fully because each attempt ends too quickly. (If that didn't make sense... Try it.)

Ciao.

Accidents Happen...

2010-10-05T13:36:00.000-07:00

This morning we were driving to work, okay I will be more specific, my Dad was driving and I sat on the passenger side muttering to myself a little bit of hatred about the retail business. Then...

CRASH BOOM BANG

No we were not jamming to the outdated beats of Roxette, we had an accident. Okay to be honest, there was no BOOM or BANG. We were on a public road, not a movie set for a Western. But there was certainly a fuck load of CRASH. We were stopped at the traffic light, apparently it's a good idea to stop when these things turn red. Clearly the woman who was cruising behind us didn't agree. She launched the nose of her black Volkswagen Golf into our red Jeep's ass, which plunged us into a semi-earthquake. My Mom immediately got out of the car and was ready to go in Rambo style, kick ass and take names later. I eventually convinced her that Rambo-style on a public road at 7am is probably not the most rational way to handle things, she reluctantly agreed. My Dad drove his new-shaped Jeep on to the sidewalk with my Mom behind him shouting to not park so far away, leaving me alone with the young lady and her son in their non-shatterproof capsule with wheels. The first thing I established was that no one was hurt.

She apologized profusely, which I accepted and told her to calm down because no one was hurt and accidents happen, I've been in a few myself. So I knew all too well that getting shouted at after an accident is the last thing you need. So we exchanged details and moved on. Putting your car through cosmetic surgery without it's consent sucks, but if no one gets hurt in the process, then there is no need to freak out. (Unless you don't have insurance, then you should start drinking... A lot.)

So that is what I was thankful for, that no one was hurt.

Ciao.

A decent Monday...

2010-10-04T13:37:00.000-07:00

I don't want to sound too optimistic because that just isn't how I roll. But the universe did do an about turn, I don't want to say it did a 360 because that just sounds too dramatic and if you think about it, a 360 just puts you back in the same fucking place.

So lets just say the universe did a 181 & a 1/2 turn and gave me a decent Monday, by and large due to the book that I was reading, by the wickedly funny Chelsea Handler: My Horizontal Life. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much (probably because I was drunk when it happened.) She has no qualms about sex or farting. Judging from the contents of her book, she is definitely someone who I could get drunk with sometime. I would most definitely pass out first because as she so eloquently puts it: I DON'T LIKE THE WORD ALCOHOLIC... I AM AN ADVANCED DRINKER. Much more advanced than me for sure! But she would be great company.

Besides Advanced drinking, I also learnt (from her book of course) of a medical condition that she calls vagina elbow, which according to her is like tennis elbow... Let me stop right there before you mistaken my blog for an updated version of a porno mag. But yes, her book made me laugh very loudly. As you all probably know by now, I LOVE LAUGHING. Laughing to me is like pissing on trees and car tyres in public to dogs, it is synonymous with my existence. This book definitely done the trick. I will be purchasing more of her work. It is that funny.

Hope you have a great week!

Ciao.

PS: I don't think a picture of Chelsea Handler is necessary right? You all know what she looks like.

Shunday.

2010-10-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

Not only was it the most overrated day of the week, but it was also my day off.

I went to the bookstore and allowed myself to go ape shit in there. I bought 4 books. The only reason I didn't buy more is because my wallet looked like a Dodo cage at an outdated zoo. I was poor, but I had 4 books in a plastic bag. I was happy. One of these days I am going to ask for shares in that bookstore because I think I am the best customer.

Besides buying enough books to make my English teacher proud, I didn't do much else really... Wrote a couple of pages of my work in progress, had an amazingly unhealthy lunch and made short work of the beers in my brother's fridge. Tomorrow is Monday and the weather is on a temperature that makes random ideas like having sex in a sauna potentially fatal.

Speaking of random ideas, I just got one. One day I am going to get myself a pet dog and I am going to call him "cat". Imagine how many interesting reactions I will get from my guests when I say:

"Hey guys, meet my dog, CAT."

You must be wondering what the fuck my picture is all about today... No, it's not a flag, no it's not a test to see if you are colour blind (It is black and white right!?) It is a horizontal line, which is similar to the title of one of the books I bought written by the lovely and shit-in-my-pants funny Chelsea Handler. That's right, I bought her first book (I think!?) which is called: The Horizontal Life. I have high hopes for this book and I think it will be just what I need to combat the Monday Blues that I will have tomorrow.

Ciao.

Come with me to the movies...

2010-10-02T12:04:00.000-07:00

If you are a reader of this blog, you will know that I am a HUGE fan of movies. Throughout my life, I think I have watched well over 150 movies. I could make a list of my favourites, but it would change everyday, so I will just say that I am a lover of cinema. The art of motion picture is one of my favourite things in life.

So last night, thanks to an incredible bout of insomnia, I stayed awake until 2am and watched 2 back to back movies. I regretted the fuck out of this when I had to wake up at 5am to go to work. Just keeping my eyes open today was a task of mammoth proportions! Back to Hollywood shall we, I have mentioned before that a few of my favourite actors are; Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr., George Clooney, John Cusack, Brad Pitt, Mickey Rourke, Billy Bob Thornton and Hugh Laurie. Now before you all think I am nothing but a sexist bastard, I will inform you that I have afew favourite actresses aswell, not just because they are beautiful, but they actually have talent as well.

Some of my favourite female actresses are Susan Sarandon, Julia Roberts, Mila Kunis, Angelina Jolie, Mila Jovovich, Anne Hathaway, Michelle Pfieffer.

So last night I watched two movies, both with the lovely Julia Roberts. The first was America's Sweethearts and the second was Stepmom also starring Susan Sarandon. Both great movies. Especially Stepmom. It was a drama, which isn't my favourite genre of movie, not because it sucks balls but because most dramas are so amazingly touching that they could turn me into a water fountain of note & no not the ones that stand naked pissing into a bowl! I don't cry easily with movies, but there have been certain movies that have moved me to tears & I am man enough to admit that Stepmom made me leak, a little...

I don't sit down to pee, so I can't say I related to Susan Sarandon or Julia Roberts's characters... But on a purely human level, we all can relate to this poignant drama. It was very moving when Julia's character and Susan's character reconciled and accepted one another as family. It was an amazing movie and well deserved of the 5 Oscars it apparently received. If only people just remembered that even their enemies are human, even their enemies are someone's wife/husband, someone's father/mother, someone's son\daughter... And accorded them the same respect they expect, the world would be a much better place.

Hope you all have an awesome weekend.

Ciao.

Another day in the life of THIS writer...

2010-09-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

Today was my parents 39th Wedding Anniversary. 39 years! Oh my fuck, that is a very long time! Good for them. We didn't go out or do anything special and that suited me just fine because it means I didn't leave my enclave.

I had a crappy day in terms of writing, I am busy with a novel that I am thoroughly enjoying writing... With the help of my tutor who has taught me some very valuable lessons about the craft, I am slowly but surely shaping what I hope will be my first novel. I had a crappy day because the words were just coming out wrong today... You should see my "Draft Book", it looks like a spider couple, who also had their anniversary today-just to add to the description, fell into a bottle of ink and then decided to celebrate by banging all over the pages of my book!

I would write a sentence, scratch it out, write it again and scratch it out again, etc, etc... The words just wouldn't come out right today. But I didn't give up and I'm currently 10005 words into my first draft.I suspended the other novel that I started before the course because I drowned it in adjectives and adverbs, which apparently isn't such a fucktastic (Fucking + Fantastic = Fucktastic... Just in case you thought I might be drunk and mispelt a word) idea.I will go back and re write it once I am finished with this novel, which I am currently writing for my course. You know when you have a story that just has to be written, it just needs to come out, this story for me is one such story... Which makes me come now to my question or rather, observation.

Assuming this story of mine gets published. Why is it that an author's first novel, is almost always semi-autobiographical. Why do we always create a character that is very similar to who we are? It's a great thing because writing is the best form of self expression. But it is funny that most author's when writing their first novel always write using a character that is very similar to who they are. This story I am writing is no exception for me. I won't go into too much detail, but so far here are the things that my character and I have in common:

We both hate coffee.
We both love rock music.
We both think House MD is the best show in the history of TV shows.
We're both divorced.

I am enjoying it immensely and hope that it does what I am hoping it will do for me.

Ciao.

Bye Bye Talvis...

2010-09-29T13:20:00.000-07:00

That's right, I unfortunately had to give Talvis away, for three reasons:

1) He is 6 weeks old. What do all living creatures do moments after coming into existence? They make noise. It's normal, but some people are just too stupid to understand this. Our one neighbour was not happy about the fact that he couldn't catch his beauty sleep last night (not that it would help much because he is much closer to 100 years old than I am to 50.) We live in a security complex, which is basically a cluster of homes built in one area and closed off, the obvious advantage of living in a place like this, is that it is much safer. The down side is that you have to comply to a certain list of rules, so if my neighbour had to complain that we were making a noise, we would be in shit.

2) As I mentioned yesterday, our house is quite small. No matter how small the dog, dogs need freedom to piss, crap and run around, it's what makes them happy. As much as I didn't want to admit it, our garden is just too small for a dog.

3) I have another neighbour on the other side of our house who has a twelve year old daughter. When she saw my little dog, her face lit up with delight and she pleaded with her father to get her one. His house is much bigger than ours, I know his daughter will take good care of the little guy. So I decided to do what was best for the little mutt and make a child's day at the same time. I went over there and gave them Talvis. Her Father was very happy that he would now have a chance to make his daughter happy and promised he would let me come over and see the little guy whenever I wanted to. The fact that he wasn't Korean helped a fuck load too! ;)

I learnt an important lesson about life by giving Talvis a new family. Sometimes in life, it's just best to let go. It's never easy to let of of anything, but sometimes it's just the best thing to do.

Now to dilute the seriousness of my post today (seriously, life is serious enough, so lets have a serious laugh instead!) I am going to share a joke that I heard. Here goes:

Why do midgets always laugh when they run?
Because the grass keeps tickling their balls!

LMFAO

Ciao.

Must love dogs (No, not the John Cusack Movie)... Meet Talvis.

2010-09-28T12:34:00.000-07:00

This little Jack Russel is my soon to be new best friend. That's right, I got myself a dog. My favourite dog is the St. Bernard, but due to the fact that my house at it's best is a mansion for midgets and at it's worst a thimble for a larger than average human, I couldn't get one. I wouldn't be able to fit him anywhere.

Isn't the little mutt as cute as a shiny beer mug?

The first thing he did when I took him out of his box was crap right in front of me. I have big plans for the little mutt, like take him to the bar with me, when I see new cocktails on the menu, I will get him one first to see the effect... He will be like my very own lab rat, but cuter! ;)

His name is Talvis, I desperately wanted him to be called Goliath. But when my folks tried to say that name, it sounded like something that could only be found in an alien's dictionary (The disadvantages of not knowing how to speak English fluently). So I told them to name him... They settled on "Talvis". Apparently this name has history in my family, my Dad's first dog when he was a child was called Talvis. Why? I have no idea, then his first dog when he got here to South Africa was also named "Talvis"... So, Talvis it is.

Judging from the cries I am hearing my neighbours are not going to find Talvis as appealing as I do... Suddenly Insomnia is going to have some competition on who keeps me awake at night!

Ciao.

Learning from experience...

2010-09-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

Saturday night was my brother's father-in-laws, birthday. Confused? My brother's wife's father's birthday. Better?

He is Taiwanese and his name is Charlie, we asked him how old he was but he said he couldn't remember.(Great way of avoiding the issue!)

Anyways we went to a restaurant, had a good time and I learnt something there. Well actually not there, but the next morning in my bedroom when I woke up, because while I was there, I can safely and honestly say that it seemed like a good idea at the time. Here is what I learnt:

Mixing beer and black tequila is a very bad idea, regardless of the quantities.

I started the night with beer draughts, which is basically just a fancy name for a fucking half litre mug of beer. I had three of them and ate my dinner which was in the form of a Madagascan Pepper Steak with fried onions and chips. (I have no idea where these restaurant owners come up with such names... I was tempted to order a burger but then I saw one which is famously known as a MONKEY GLAND BURGER and thought that eating a cow, even if it was all the way from Madagascar, is much more sensible than eating burgers made of Monkey Glands!)

It was delicious! I loved it. It was after this that things started inclining slightly south. Since we were there to celebrate a birthday, it was only sensible that we ordered a strong drink. So I paged through the menu and saw something known as a Poncho. It had a Mexican name and judging from how Salma Hayek looks, I thought Mexican things were awesome. I was wrong.

I had one Poncho which didn't sit well with the three draughts of beer that were already getting comfortable inside my system. This morning I woke up and my mouth felt as dry as a gravel road. I wasn't totally hammered but I had a slight hangover. So that is what I learnt this weekend: That Beer and Tequila are not friends.

Ciao.

Heritage Day.

2010-09-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

Today was Friday and a public holiday. For most people, this is the equivalent of winning the lottery twice in two different countries on the same day. Not for me though.

For one, I don't bet on the lottery and for two, I was at work today. So I celebrated Heritage Day by doing what I normally do to pay my bills, sell fruit and vegetables. But how do people, who were not bitten by the retail bug, normally celebrate Heritage Day? By buying copious amounts of alcohol, calling friends and family and having a good old fashioned braai (In the USA, known as a barbecue.)

Braai & beer is the standard menu for most South Africans on weekends. So they celebrate morbid obesity because it is part of what makes South Africans, South African. I am not morbidly obese because I can see my feet and other parts of the lower regions of my body when I stand up, but I do have a belly that suggests I occasionally indulge in much more beer than is medically acceptable.

I am literally stopping this blog right now, to report that a fly just flew into my left ear. This is not a gag, it literally happened like two minutes ago. I jumped off of my chair and started jumping around like a headless chicken which then sent my Mom into frenzy, she probably thought she had missed some childhood ailment that I might still have lingering in my system. It's gone now, I didn't lose anything other than possibly a little mobility in my joints. But I wonder, what possesses a fly to fly into MY LEFT ear... Are my thoughts that dirty?

Now time for me to put the inevitable insomnia that will join me a little later and spend the next two hours writing. *Rubbing my hands*

Have a great weekend. Much love dear readers.

Ciao.

One, two, tree?

2010-09-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

Today was an exceptionally long day at work for me. It was so long that I would have even considered watching reruns of Dr. Phill and Oprah on the same set, just to pass the time!

I thought I was going to have an amazingly fun day when my first customer walked in carrying a tree. Yes a tree. He probably ran out of imaginary friends and talks to his tree now. Or maybe he thought stress-balls would cramp his style, so now he carries that tree around so that when he gets stressed he can just hug it. I have no idea what posesses a human being to carry a tree around but it is mildly amusing to us non-tree carrying humans.

I wonder if he is thinking of planting that tree or making a puppet out of it, do you think he is one of Gepetto's descendants?

I am still busy with the Write A Novel course, I am extremely enjoying the process of writing this novel. It is even occupying the non-writing moments of my life. I would get into more detail about this but I am going to try and catch some zzz's, since Insomnia seems to have found another brain to play with tonight...

Ciao.

My Hand.

2010-09-22T12:40:00.000-07:00

Good evening ladies, gentlemen, boys, girls and any possible animals who may have escaped the animal farm along with Babe the pig.

This post is dedicated to my right hand. Yes, literally. No I have not lost the plot (Mind you, some might speculate that I never had the plot in the first place.) My hand has been a subject of international discussions. Why?

This hand has been compared to the hands of Shrek and The Hulk... I've torn rubber gloves with them.

Well according to most people who have come into contact with it, either by shaking it or seeing me wave it around while drunk or greeting people. It is large. Yes apparently I have abnormally large hands. LOL. When I went to the U.K., I worked at a coffee shop with a bunch of people from different parts of the planet, there was one fellow in particular who was a very entertaining character. He was from Italy and he was a pothead. So the one day when we were preparing for the swarm of British citizens who would race into the restaurants like savages looking for their English breakfasts, this Italian chap realized that the restaurant was out of sausages, so he suggested to the manager that he cut off my fingers and use them in the breakfasts, he even guaranteed that my fingers would provide enough English Breakfasts for the whole day. LOL

Besides the Italian pothead, I have heard a great number of other people comment on the size of my hands. So I thought I would give my right hand his fifteen minutes of fame here on my blog... (My left hand will have to wait a while)

I love my hands, they are on average, larger than most... But certainly not Guinness Book large. If I was a baseball player I would probably be an awesome catcher, if I could find mits for my hands that is. From these hands will one day flow the stories that will pay my bills. (I hope anyway)

Ciao.

PS: This sentence has absolutely nothing to do with my hand or this blog. But I thought you might find it interesting that I am listening to U2-With or without you as I write this. ;)

Is a title that necessary?

2010-09-21T11:17:00.000-07:00

Firstly I can hear the wind whistling through the spaces between my windows and doors as I write this. Awesome.

Yes the temperature is dangerously high but at least there is a noisy wind to amuse me. I work with a very religious man, he is so religious that he earned himself the nickname "Priest". He isn't Catholic, Lutheran, Anglican or none of that. He is a member of an African church that is very popular here. He doesn't eat pork, doesn't drink and has a uniform for every time he goes to church.

Considering all the above rules, I would fail dismally at being an exemplary member of said church. But I love ruffling his feathers with my largely foul mouth and exaggerated conversations about mass fornication and the like... So today I had a proposition for him, I told him that we should start our own church together: His eyes lit up at the prospect of being at the helm of his very own pulpit... But I had to crush his dreams, I just had to. I told him that all women who join our church should have a uniform separate to the men... They should come to our church in their underwear!

He disagreed... Vehemently, much to my amusement.

I don't like discussing religion because it usually leads to disagreements. I am a Catholic, but I am certainly not a bigot. Regardless of people's beliefs, they can still be eternally good people. Just because you are a Catholic or an Anglican or Lutheran doesn't guarantee that you are a moral person. Religion does not equal morals & dignity, unfortunately. I have heard of so many people who preach about Jesus and the like, then after the sermons are over, they are out with prostitutes, destroying other people's lives.

I believe religion is all about your personal relationship with God (Or whatever it is you believe in) and how it affects the way you act towards others. It's got nothing to do with how much money you donate to the church or how many times you sit and pray where everyone can see you.

But enough about that, lets leave religion to the churches. I am a writer not a priest! ;)

Ciao.

Socials.

2010-09-19T12:06:00.001-07:00

Last night I went to a guy's 21st birthday party. If you are a fan of my blog you will know that social gatherings are not one of my favourite pass times. I don't do very well with big crowds unless I am armed with a blood alcohol level of OH MY FUCK, DID I DO THAT?!

But to be insanely honest, I actually had a great time. Much to my own surprise. Okay fair enough it could have been because I drank enough beer to make a German feel proud. But it was actually more than that. I ran into a friend of mine who actually lives in another town, we hadn't seen each other for quite a while. So it was great to catch up. So clad in my trusty Alcapone hat, I did what most twenty somethings do at gatherings... Drank, reminisced and joked around. My friend is married, no kids and he is a successful business man who owns a supermarket.

So after a session of our favourite TV shows and many swear words later (mainly from me of course) we got talking about the inevitable... The future. He asked me what I was up to, I reluctantly told him that I am on a quest to become a writer. Why reluctantly? I'm not sure, I guess because it hasn't happened, it feels weird to say I am a writer. He then told me about his life plans and objectives and it got me thinking about mine... I thought long and hard before I came to the conclusion that I don't want to be a millionaire, I certainly wouldn't mind if it happened of course, but that isn't my aim... I realised that all I want is to make a living doing something I love. I absolutely hate the feeling of waking up every single morning and thinking: "Oh fuck, here we go again!"

I want to wake up and think: "Okay, so what will I do today?"

So my aim is to one day become a full time novelist... Making a living as a writer. That is my aim.

I wouldn't mind being be able to afford a mansion in Beverly Hills and wake up to have breakfast in bed knowing that I have a Bentley waiting in my garage ready for me to jump into it. But I will certainly settle for a little apartment or house in a northern part of Spain with a little Volkswagen, if it means I can wake every single day knowing that with my imagination I am making a difference, one page at a time.

PS: I have not read Eat Pray Love & I certainly don't plan on it, but someone did suggest that I read it because it is a great read... I personally think it is only a great read if your undergarment sizes are measured in cups! But I think I should write my own version of Eat Pray Love. I will call it Drink Swear Puke & Appreciate: A guide to being a successful alcoholic. It will have an extra theme! ;)

Ciao.

Tom, Dick n Harry?

2010-09-17T12:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight I come to you with the intention of talking about Dick, it's going to be a LONG topic so brace yourselves!

Firstly Dick is by far the worst name in human existence. I wouldn't ever call my son "Dick". What has sparked this strange, swinging topic? I have regaled you, my dear readers, with tales of the toilet that I have to go to in the past, yeah?

Well I have yet another one... Nature called today and when she calls I LISTEN no questions asked. So I went and I noticed that the walls were filled with drawings in chalk. What were the drawings? It was a bunch of dudes with their "pieces" hanging out! So while I'm there doing my "thing" I turn left, then right and I realise I am surrounded by a bunch of "stick figures" with cocks that even dinosaurs would stare at, hanging out! To say I was startled is an understatement! I think to myself, who the fuck? And why the fuck? would dudes go into a bog and draw naked stick figures on the walls!?! Now I walk around greeting these people with suspicion, checking to see if they have chalk dust somewhere on their pants! I am seriously considering doing something about this! I have to fix this! No, not a complaint, I am thinking of buying chalk and drawing naked chicks instead... Plus those "stick-figures" look lonely! ;)

Why is the name "Dick" such a crappy name? Think about it...

You can't call someone called "Dick" a dickhead because they might think you are complimenting them on their intelligence! "Cockhead" sounds too much like "Cokehead" which is just misleading. So NO. Moby Dick was that fat whale in that one movie who would go around tipping boats with his enormous circumference.

"Spotted Dick" is EDIBLE!?! No thanks, I will pass.

Have a great weekend... Much love!

Ciao.

Meat n Greet???

2010-09-14T12:03:00.000-07:00

I thought I had seen it all, then I bought today's newspaper and guess who made the front page?

Lady Gaga.

I unfortunately was unable to upload a picture but I nearly fell off of my chair (which would have seriously fucked me up) when I saw Lady Gaga wearing a dress made of MEAT. That's right, she went to the VMA's this year wearing a cow! Moo Coutoure? Haute Sirloin? Lady Gaga dressed by VEAL DE LA RENTA? LOL. (Google it... It will be just as important as your breakfast!)

This chick has got some serious issues. I am all for eccentric people, who don't give a rats ass what the pompous public think... But come on... MEAT! LOL. I wonder how many people wanted to take a bite out of Lady Gaga at the VMA's? I bet you by the end of the night she was full of flies and maggots, which she probably described as "Nature's Sequins". (I know it wasn't made of real meat, but I like to pretend I don't, it's more fun!)

I had a whole other topic to speak about, but Lady Gaga's nutritious choice of fashion to the VMA's was just to delicious to pass up!

She said recently that she refrains from sex because her creativity is in her crotch and she is afraid that if she plays too much Slap n Tickle it will affect her musical talent... If that is the case then I have reason to believe that her fashion sense is somewhere in her ass, because 8 times out of 10, she looks like SHIT! But respect to her for not giving a crap.

Ciao.

Detox Monday.

2010-09-13T12:04:00.000-07:00

Oh look, it's Monday... Didn't have a very good day, creatively speaking. I almost never write anything good on Mondays. So today I just let the masters of the craft do the writing... I am about 20 pages away from the end of The Girl Who Played with Fire. What a great book! You know you reading a great book when a sudden revelation gives you spine chills... I literally got spine chills when I found out that Zalachenko is Lisbeth Salander's father. WOW.

When I got to work today, I found a very colourful diamond shaped box standing like a trophy on one of our shelves. After asking what it was, I was told that it was a Detox Tea which does exactly what it is called... It detoxes your body. My Mom, Brother and Sister-in-law agreed in unison that it was a great idea to drink this tea. Now I don't drink tea, coffee or hot chocolate because as I mentioned on my FB page recently I believe that hot water is only suitable for bathing and nothing else. I have drank coffee and hot chocolate in the past but I'm just not very fond of it. So naturally, I frowned at this crazy idea that drinking tea from a diamond-shaped box was good for you.

I took the box and read the ingredients: Senna Leaves, Fennel etc, etc... A whole bunch of herbs that suggest you would have MUCH MORE fun if you smoked them instead of drink them! They then went one by one to the kitchen and brewed themselves a cup of this concoction each, they were full of enthusiasm... "It's really good..." My curiosity got the better of me and I took a swig of the steaming green liquid in one of their cups. VERDICT: The word "disgusting" is far too kind a word. Considering it's rumoured health benefits, "fucking gross" is probably too harsh... But I will use it anyway. It's fucking gross! Imagine if a gang of vegetarians pissed in a bowl and heated the bowl in a microwave... That's what it reminded me of!

But hey, if it is that healthy I don't say I won't drink it... Like if my Mom starts doing back flips one of these days then I know that it is because of the tea! ;). On a serious note, I hate the stuff, but I am contemplating drinking it because if it's good for you then it's worth it because it's much cheaper than going to Dr.'s

Ciao.

A tribute to Roald Dahl (1916-1990)

2010-09-12T02:59:00.000-07:00

I took a risk today and brought my nephews along with me to my favourite place in town... The Bookstore. Why risk, I hear you asking? Well, neither of my nephews have hit puberty yet, which means going ape shit when found to be in large open spaces is considered acceptable behaviour. I coud've threatened them with stories of the bookstore monster... But they are fascinated with the likes of Ben 10, so monsters nowadays are laughed at. It went great, they are not badly behaved at all. I shelled out some precious wallet paper to get myself the last book of the Stieg Larsson trilogy: The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets Nest. Then I bought a book for my oldest nephew, an old classic that I loved to bits when I was his age, Roald Dahl's Charlie & The Chocolate Factory.

I watched the movie Matilda, (yes I am actually just a 26 year old gigantic, hairy kid) the other day (You know, the one with Danny De Vito) and I loved it. I loved it so much that I recorded it for my nephew, who watched yesterday and loved it too. Roald Dahl is a legend, his stories have lived out many a fad among children (and some adults too) and no matter how much children change in the face of fast advancing technology, their core remains the same, they have fantastic imagination, just like Roald Dahl had. Which is why his books appeal even to the most advanced of children.. R.I.P Roald Dahl.

Now I have a funny story (Don't I always!) When I bought the Roald Dahl book, I noticed that the powers that be at the bookstore dedicated a full corner of their shop to building a shrine to Roald Dahl. All his books were laid out neatly for passersby to see clearly. Then the young lady who helped me by picking the Charlie & the Chocolate factory from out of the shrine uttered these words: "He's coming to South Africa." (Why the silence? I was trying to control my laughter!)

Now unless Roald Dahl faked his death or somehow gathered a taste for African safaries in the afterlife... There is NO WAY he is COMING here! LOL. The young lady was obviously trying to impress me with her incredible lack of knowledge with regards to the greatest children's writer in history. If she didn't have such a beautiful figure with captivating green eyes and long flowing hair, I might have burst her bubble. So her beauty spared her, plus I might be tempted to ask for her number sometime... Yes she was blonde, literally. ;)

I love books and my nephew is showing an encouraging interest in reading as well. Which is awesome. Books are doors that lead to worlds where everyone is welcomed and accepted, that's why I want to make a living putting up doors for others to open and enjoy experiencing...

Ciao.

Weekend Rants

2010-09-11T06:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I stayed up till 1 am rewriting the first ten pages of the new story that I am writing, Insomnia was holding my hand all the way through it. Which is probably why I felt like a punctured car tyre this morning.

On the bright side I am going to be off for the next 36 hours... So that is a good thing. But despite feeling like a deflated balloon, I had this overwhelming sense of achievement. you know like when you know you just have to do something and it finally gets done? I felt that same feeling, but magnified x 1 million!

In other news, my head looks like a rats nest, except that it smells a fuck load better. I need a haircut and my mirror agrees with me. Mainly because I haven't mastered the art of using a comb yet... I find spending hours in front of a mirror a waste of time. So if my hair is short, I just wash it, throw on some gel and I'm good to go OR alternatively I just throw on some kind of head garment and it's all good. I told my Mom that I was considering shaving my head... She was not in favour. I thought parents were supposed to support their kids? What's the deal with that?! Plus I am pretty sure that I will be going bald within the next five years, might as well get used to a slap head style right now... I sure as hell won't use a toupee... Although after taking a good look at the darker shades on my back, I might consider hair transplants if I can afford it... So that's why God gave me all those follicles back there! Like every car has a spare wheel, I have a spare hairstyle HERE!

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Ciao.

You are what you wear?

2010-09-08T14:01:00.000-07:00

I have touched on this subject before, but this morning I had a moment where I just thought of how I often I see people wearing those funny logo-T shirts.

Now when I pick clothes in the morning, I don't actually choose much because I am too busy muttering swear words about how sleep deprived I feel, so I just stick my hand into the cupboard and whatever I pull out I wear... It's that easy! Colour-coded? What the fuck is that?! I'm not painting a house, I'm covering my inappropriate bits! It isn't rocket science!

But this morning I made an exception because after swearing and reaching in to grab some clothing, I realised that I pulled out a shirt that I wouldn't even wipe my ass with! Why? First of all it's purple... Need I explain? Secondly, on the front there are the words IRON FIST printed in letters that I suspect are big enough to be seen from the moon. Why did I buy it? I didn't! It was a gift, It wouldn't be very nice to tell the person who gave it to you that the gift sucks... So I did the socially acceptable form of gratitude... SMILE & WAVE.

Imagine if someone takes the shirt literally and thinks that I am challenging them to a fight? After making short work of my fighting techniques, what will happen, they will call me names like PAPER FISTS or RUSTY FISTS... These are things to think about when buying a logo shirt... Which is why I have another Logo shirt that says HIGHAGAIN with the Heineken logo... NOW THAT IS AWESOME!

If I ever design a logo shirt... I have many Ideas, but the most simple one that is totally not misleading is creating a shirt with a logo that reads THIS IS NOT A LOGO.

Ciao.

PS: I do still live with my parents... Proudly so, but that shirt isn't mine.

Lisbeth Salander = Dr. Gregory House????

2010-09-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

Good evening dear bloglings!

As I promised, I am going to write about Lisbeth Salander. Not only because I have a soft spot for her. But also because today I plunged into the the second book of the Stieg Larsson trilogy, I am on page 105... WOW!Firstly, R.I.P Mr. Stieg Larsson, it really is a tragedy that you didn't live to see the phenomenon that your trilogy has become. I don't know why but when it comes to fiction (Allow me to lend a quote from yet another fictional character here: Mr. Hank Moody) "I am like flypaper for the emotionally disturbed" OR Should I say that emotionally disturbed fictional characters are like BLD-paper to me! ;)... Why do I have a soft spot for Miss Salander? Despite her unsavoury habits of violence, she has redeeming qualities, she won't ever harm anyone who doesn't try and harm her first. For example, in the second book, she saves both her teenage lover "George Bland" & the woman who is getting beaten up by her husband... She is a victim to herself and she is a victim because her world made her that way.

Without knowing, Mr. Larsson created a perfect soulmate for Dr. House, the similarities are UNCANNY. They both aren't very nice to anyone. They are both highly intelligent. They are both obsessed with solving riddles and puzzles. They are both damaged because of their past. They both don't give a damn what people think. They both mean well usually, as long as they can be left alone.

But let me just put it out there that I WOULD NOT FUCK with Lisbeth Salander if she was a real person and I happened to run into her... She kicks ass, literally! She is WAY MORE harmful than the genius Dr. could ever be! LOL... But in general Lisbeth is like House, except Lisbeth has got fake boobs and other much more physically attracting features! Imagine if Lisbeth and House had to have a couple of babies... "Bundles of Joy" OR "Bundles of sarcasm"??? ;)

Now let me get serious, the Stieg Larsson trilogy is crime fiction at it's best! I will definitely recommend it for any lover of books, add it to your collection, it's worth every penny!

Ciao.

Say what???

2010-09-06T12:12:00.000-07:00

My title for today is a popular phrase which I like to use... Alot! But that's not the point, in fact I don't have a point today, it's just another one of those random rambling posts... Why? Have you checked your calendar or weekly planner lately? Yes it is Monday and that sucks balls!

I am as happy as clown today, why a clown you ask? Well have you noticed that the smile on a clowns face is PAINTED on! Plus the only reason it's there is because he's getting paid to have a smile painted all over his display! So it's perfectly justifiable to say someone is as happy as a clown when one is not feeling very happy at all, especially on Mondays!

I finished reading Stieg Larsson's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. It is an awesome book which I thoroughly enjoyed, but more on that tomorrow, I intend on dedicating a whole post to Lisbeth Salander, whom I find to be a very compelling character indeed.

It is officially spring here, that's right it is the time for the bees, birds and all other creatures to come out and mate in the basking sun! It was 32 Degrees Celsius here, which is much too hot for my liking... I am missing winter already!

Ciao.

Just because I have to...

2010-09-02T14:01:00.000-07:00

I was going to go to bed, but then I sat there and it started crawling under my skin... That need to write. I know that I probably don't have anything meaningful to write but I still can't go knowing that I haven't done this two days in a row.

So, today the temperature was on Oh-My-Fuck Degrees Celsius again, much to my dismay. I hate heat, partly because the nearest beach can be found after a 12 hour drive or a 20 minute flight. So I will have to make do with cold showers or squeeze into my bath tub (literally squeeze, the manufacturers of my innocent looking tub obviously don't believe in "the more the merrier".) Nothing monumental happening just yet...

Had an interesting occurrence at work today, two actually; One which involves a strange belt and the other a CRAPPY conversation, literally. I would give you the option to choose which one, but I'm not feeling particularly generous today (must be the heat?) so you just going to have to trust my judgement;

BELT: This guy came in all well dressed with a white shirt and jeans... But what caught my eye was his Goliath sized belt buckle (A.K.A-UBO: Unidentified Belt Object.) Trust me, I'm pretty sure that satellites in space caught it! Not only was it large enough to serve as a very efficient groin-guard but it had the word JEANS on it. Which made it look like he was labelling his pants... Strange? I reckon, but that's just me of course! It's like" LOOK AT ME I'M WEARING JEANS AND IF YOU DON"T BELIEVE ME, LOOK AT MY CROTCH!

CRAPPY: This whole blog is based upon my SHIT, but this is LITERALLY a shitty story. A geriatric (not an ancient one, he could still move reasonably well without a cane.) He asked me what were the potentially fatal looking things in the box on my counter... I replied by telling him they were "cactus pears"... He laughed and replied that he doesn't eat them because they give you SERIOUS constipation... Not the kind of conversation I expected to have with anyone, especially not an old man who must have had countless blockages before realising that it was the infamous prickly pear's doing! I hate those things by the way, they have way too many seeds and stab the fuck out of you with their invisible thorns! Any food that requires a certain amount of skill and concentration to eat, just isn't worth it for me... I like to keep it quick and simple, so I can savour maximum enjoyment... Junk Food is the way FORWARD.

Ciao.

Food for the soul.

2010-08-31T14:13:00.000-07:00

I was CC today. Now before any business minded people who might be reading this get too excited, let me just say that "CC" does not stand for Close Corporation here! So just calm those business boners down because CC here, stands for Creatively Constipated. I was CC today, nothing creative was coming out today. So I did everything but write today, which basically means all I did was listen to music. I love music, it ALWAYS makes me feel better. The bushy haired fellow you see here is Slash, he was the lead guitarist of Guns n Roses. He is a legend. He is the reason why I STILL want to learn to play the guitar some day. Not to become a rock star or anything like that, I am 100 % committed to being a writer and nothing else, but just to know how to play guitar would be AWESOME!

Now that we are on the subject of music, I love many different artists from many different genres of music, my favourite music is rock music though.... I think the worst music on earth is Rave, Tecnho and House music... What a waste of time! Here are some of my favourites:

-Korn -Limp Bizkit

-Nirvana -Metallica

-Pearl Jam - Green Day

-Hole -Guano Apes

-Chris Daughtry -Placebo

-Lilly Allen -Avril Lavigne

I could name a couple more, but I am fucking tired and I need to catch some SERIOUS zzz's, Insomnia is calling it a night at a fraction before midnight, so I am going to take this rare opportunity to disrupt the neighbourhood with my snoring!

Ciao.

Just another Monday.

2010-08-30T13:08:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is that time of the week where a whole lot of hate is perfectly normal.

I had a pretty decent day yesterday. Took a road trip with my folks and drove 180km's to visit one of my Mom's cousins in a little town called Welkom (This means "Welcome" in a local dialect here called Afrikaans, which is basically the same as German. Yes, I'm sure Hitler would've been proud!)This town is pretty small, it's so small in fact that I didn't see one traffic light! I saw a fuckload of stop streets and a a fuckerload of traffic circles! But surprisingly enough, despite the smallness, there was one building there that caught both my short-sighted eyes! Fot two reasons:

- The building was HUGE.

-It had a massive sign on it that read: THE STRIP.

Now, just think about it, such a little town with such a HUGE building?! Even more curiously, why do they call it THE STRIP? There is only ONE CASINO next to it. So it is nothing like Las Vegas (I assume?) What could they possibly be doing in there? I came up with two theories, please do keep in mind that it is Monday, so bear with me:

-I assume that it is a studio where the they film a Reality Show (You know, like America's Got Talent and Idols etc, etc...) But for Strippers. It makes sense! (To me anyway.)

Actually I only had one theory, it was good enough, so I didn't think of another one!

Ciao.

Junk in the trunk.

2010-08-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

Like most people my age, who aren't vegetarians, athletes or Iron pumping meat heads, I enjoy a generous helping of Junk food from time to time. KFC, McDonald's... They have all experienced the wrath of my untamed appetite at one point or another.

So, to my surprise, one of the potato crisp companies here launched a competition for us couch potatoes to write in and suggest a range of new flavours for the new packaging that they were going to introduce. There have been quite a few new flavours. What do the winning consumers receive for contributing to the Gross Mass Production of fat in the country? A dismal amount of money and a space for your face next to the words of the flavour you created on every wrapper manufactured. Fair? Don't really care.

There have been some very interesting combinations, which seem to have worked quite well:

- Steak & Chilli.

- Vetkoek & Polony.

-Walkie Talkie Chicken

I haven't tried any of the above flavours yet... But I have tried the new Snoek & Atchaar flavour. VERDICT: Not as bad as it sounds, but not good at all. For those of you who might not know, atchaar is a traditional African food which is basically made up of cooked mango skins, oil and spices. I think it tastes HORRIFIC like something that can be picked up off of a sidewalk after a gigantic shit storm. But hey, to each his own. I mean, I eat snails! I didn't enter this competition because: 1) the prize money wasn't high enough for me. 2) I view junk food as a little piece of sin that can be thoroughly enjoyed for those few moments before you can return to your normal diet. That being said, I think that said junk food should be made up of things that aren't necessarily healthy but are highly enjoyable at times... So how would the flavour Beer & Porn sell? Exactly.

Ciao.

PS: I LOVE PRINGLES... ANY FLAVOUR, I'M NOT PICKY!

P.S2: I haven't written one swear word in this post, some might see that as an accomplishment... I think it's a FUCKING disgrace!

Have a good weekend. ;)

Oops, she did it again?!? Where's my gas mask?!?!

2010-08-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

So, nothing extraordinary has happened today, I'm still in retail, still not published, haven't met any special girls yet... So, I was contemplating blogging about Justin Bieber, but no matter how much you may hate the kid for introducing a whole new disease onto our planet which they have dubbed: Bieber Fever. You have to respect the kid for the phenomenal success that he has made of his life. So little Justin is off my radar (for now.)

Now comes the BIG ONE. I learnt today via Chelsea Handler and her goons, that Britney Spears is allergic to Rubber Ducks!!! That's right, she apparently isn't a big fan of basic human hygiene. According to reports her boyfriend had to threaten to leave her so she would bath. That is utterly disgusting. (If it's true.) She is rich and has every luxury imaginable at her disposal, why does she choose to avoid her bath tub or shower like the plague??? There are homeless people in this world who would do anything just for a warm bath and don't have the means, which is truly sad.

Suddenly her songs start to make sense, eg: Toxic. (One guess as to what she was talking about?)

Let me give her a break though, I mean let's face it, SHE ALREADY STINKS!

Ciao.

Rambling about Gambling

2010-08-25T13:21:00.000-07:00

I am not a gambler. This realisation hit me like a snow storm while I lay drunk on a beach! I was at work and I noticed a long queue of people going into the cigarette side of the shop opposite me. I thought: "Okay what the fuck is going on here?! Is it Nicotine Day or what? I was nearly jacking up a smoke to go see what was going on (I would have to light a fag, because my non-ashtray scent would be a dead give away in case I was right!) But I wasn't... It was then that I noticed that the ridiculous queue was for the National Lottery!

People like to gamble... Alot, by the looks of it! It is that hope that maybe their lives could change in an instant! I respect that... I just don't go about the search of that one phenomenal change in the same way. It was then that I realised, that I have been legally able to gamble for 8 years now and I still haven't! Yes, I have played BlackJack. That's it. I have never touched a casino machine, a poker table or a Roulette table. And yes, I don't bet on the National Lottery either. The last time I bet was about two years ago when the jackpot was high enough for me to say "Oh My Fuck... That's high!" My Mom, who bets at a much more frequent rate than me, asked me why I don't bet more often because "you never know." I told her, if the Powers that be want me to win the Lotto, then I am going to do it properly... I am going to make sure I win it when the jackpot is WAY over 10 million! That way I can help myself and some other unfortunate people around me. Moral of the story? Shite, are we supposed to have a moral every time?! I just thought I would let you know about my lack of interest for gambling.

Heard a great joke today, if you don't have your diapers on, INSERT NOW: A blonde walks into a pizza shop and buys a pizza. "Should I cut it into 6 or 12 pieces ma'am?" The chef asked her. "Oh 6 please, I CAN"T FINISH 12!!!" She replied. LMFAO.

Ciao.

I HEART MIDGETS!

2010-08-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

I have never met a midget in my life, if I ever do, I know they will probably kick me in the shins! But I don't hate midgets, I like poking fun now and again. But certainly no hatred! This is why today I had a thought...

Random Thought: Keeping in mind the world famous rumour about short men... Do midgets then hang up condoms instead of socks on xmas eve?!?

If you are not familiar with the so-called rumour, I will gladly inform you because believe it or not, I am actually quite a nice fellow! According to popular belief, the shorter a man is, the more EXTENSIVE is his "plumbing system"! Interesting isn't it?

I got some feedback on my novel writing course that was very encouraging! I quote my tutor who has written three novels already: "Your writing has a straight-forward, natural and realistic style... There is a slight kind of Roahl Dahlness to your writing." So it's early days, but this is very encouraging! I have a first draft that is gathering dust in my PC at 72 pages & I am about to start another book which has been sitting in my brain (yes somewhere among the midgets, beer and babes) for quite some time! Speaking of books...

I started reading THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO... WOW! What an awesome book! I think Lisbeth Salander is an extremely interesting and compelling character, I am so glad I shelled out another couple of hard earned bank notes to buy the second one at the same time! I haven't read any crime novels (other than The Gun Seller, which is in a class of it's own for me.) But I think I have stumbled upon the very best of the genre!

Ciao.

Random.

2010-08-23T11:35:00.000-07:00

It's Monday. The absolute worst day of the week. No matter which way you look at it. I went to the bookshop and bought Stieg Larsson's first two novels out of his "The Girl" trilogy. Next time I go, I will get the last one, I have heard good things about these novels, so I have high hopes that I will be indulging in, not a spot but a whole acne, of entertaining reading in the weeks to come! ;). I started reading the Hemingway book, but to be honest it hasn't grabbed me the way The Great Gatsby did. I will continue reading it, but when it comes to writing quality, this is how I score it so far:

Fitzgerald 1-0 Hemingway.

But lets get talking about the young lady pictured above. Recently I informed you about my fascination for the travel show Globe Trekker. Well it is because of that lady. She goes by the name of Megan Mccormick, she is not only very beautiful but she is a very talented presenter. She is funny, witty, intelligent and most of all HAPPY. All the time. She is always smiling and laughing and that makes for entertaining TV, plus her bravery is admirable! She has eaten kebab scorpions for fuck sakes! If it wasn't for my psychotic fear of heights, which obviously becomes a problem when it comes to activities like constant air travel, bungee jumping and sky diving that are synonymous with the job. I wouldn't mind becoming a travel writer. I would love to travel and see the world. There are some really beautiful places out there that I would love to see some day. Globe Trekker is the perfect programme for me to see the world and when it is done with the likes of Megan Mccormick, it is so much better!

I fly because it is the only way I can get home to visit family and I know all to well that if I want to see the world, flying is the only way. But I am shit scared of flying! I recall the one flight we had to Portugal where the aircraft hit some kind of Oh-My-Fuck turbulence patches that were turbulent enough to send my tray of crappy sky food into mid air! (I hate airline food.) This prompted me to sit and pray like a newbie nun in a convent. I nearly crapped my pants!

So yes, I fly but I fly with extreme reluctance!

Ciao.

The Beauty of art... In all it's forms.

2010-08-21T11:06:00.000-07:00

Quite some time ago, I put a status update on FB that read: The beauty of art isn't in what you see when you look at it, but in what you feel when you experience it.

This is very true and in it's best form it can a make person feel something unforgettable that can define existence! Art like this is rare but always possible, in all it's wonderful forms. I finished reading The Great Gatsby today, I wouldn't say it is the best book I have ever read but it is definitely in my Top 5, so far... I can see why it has been labelled a classic which defined a generation. While I was reading it, on the back of my bookmark I was jotting down all the words that I didn't quite understand, so that I could look it up on the dictionary and be educated! Most people might find that kind of behaviour suitable for the hallways of asylums during tea time. But me, I call it insatiable curiousity, for literature in it's finest form. I was upset when Jay Gatsby got killed in the end, I quite liked him. Tom Buchanan on the other hand was the polar opposite of Gatsby, a total DICKHEAD! Great book! The last line of it really stands out: So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

That line reminds me of the writing life. We are the boats... No matter how much we suffer and how many obstacles come crashing into us, we soldier on and keep going because we know all to well, that without the sea... We have no purpose.

I have listened to this song about twenty times today... (Yes it could be my OCD again.) But this song is a perfect example of art in it's best form... This song is a poignant one, it is so good that it hurts! It touches the most vunerable part of every human being. I want my writing to emulate this song... Except with many more laughs, hopefully! ;)

Hope your weekend is getting exposed to an overload of utter joy!

Ciao.

Leaping into the pool of giants.

2010-08-20T13:32:00.000-07:00

Yes I am back because I don't think Hemingway, Fitzgerald and Plath would appreciate it if I included them on the same page as the one I mentioned stripper names in.

Yesterday I had an extremely slow day at work, it was slow enough to make snails think that they live fast paced lives! So I did one of my favourite things at work, I spent the afternoon on google. So me being an aspiring writer and all, I decided to google the autobiographies of the literary giants that have passed on, especially because I think it is extremely bad to quote someone if you don't know any of their work. These were very influential people who had very important things to say, so before you quote them, at least familiarise yourself with their work. I read Ernest Hemingway's story, F. Scott Fitzgerald's story, Nikolai Tolstoy and Sylvia Plath. (I am a big fan of her work.) I was in such awe of these geniuses and so overwhelmed with curiousity that I went immediately to the book store and got myself two books:

The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald)

The sun also rises (E. Hemingway)

I ordered The Bell Jar which is Sylvia Plath's only novel. I am nearly done with The Great Gatsby and I can see why after fifty odd years, this book is still considered a Classic. Fitzgerald deserves every ounce of praise and recognition that he has. What a writer! Such eloquence, that novel flows so smoothly and has tinges of sophisticated humour that I find amazing! I am sure Hemingway won't be any different. I have read some of Plath's poetry and I think it's a real shame that she commit suicide, she had such amazing potential. Can't wait to read her novel.

These people defined literature, reading their work should be an absolute must for anyone who wants to write in any shape or form. Their books are like "mentors".

Ciao.

Strippernito?

2010-08-20T12:06:00.000-07:00

No I didn't go to a dodgy local strip joint for an even dodgier dinner with a weird name and a toy!

Believe it or not this blog has been inspired by Chelsea Handler, I watched her show last night and one of the random subjects that came up were stripper names, thanks to Montana Fishburne's apparent fascination for launching an acting career naked.

Now according to Chelsea and her gang a person's stripper name is usually your nickname as a name and the street you grew up in as a surname.... With this in mind, I will reveal to you what my stripper name would be:

Penguin Hoep Hoep.

Pancake Hoep Hoep.

Yes I was privileged enough to have two nicknames (I will tell you the reasons behind the baptisms, but not today.) None of the above names are exactly Naked Oscar material, so it's safe to say that a career in the Carnal field is truly beyond me. For interest sake though, there was an application on FB many moons ago that actually gave the users a stripper name... According to FB, I would be known as Randy Darkbottom if I ever took up pole dancing.

This is a very interesting method of finding a strippernito. One that would tank dismally here. Why? Here is just one example: There is a street in this gigantic sauna of a town I call home known as woodpecker village. Now hypothetically, let's just say there is a guy living in this particular place with a nickname like... Oh fuck, I don't know... Tiger.

Tiger Woodpecker.

I think not. Have a good weekend.

Ciao.

One of those days...

2010-08-17T12:49:00.000-07:00

Didn't have a particularly good day, in terms of writing anyways. It was one of those days where nothing seems to work, like you write a sentence, scratch it out, swear. Write another etc, etc... It just didn't work today. Hate days like these. It sometimes makes me wish I was an addict of some sort.

From what I see, addicts are interesting people and seem very creative! Maybe I should work on becoming a raging alcoholic before I become a writer... That way I will be too shit faced to remember days like today and will feel a magnified sense of joy on "good days". Hmm??? ;)

Well going to keep this one short and okay, okay there is nothing sweet about this except for the fact that it is shorter than a legless midget! I leave you with a quote that seems very applicable to my mood today by the seemingly great Gene Fowler:

"Writing is easy: All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead."

Ciao.

Hates.

2010-08-16T11:49:00.000-07:00

I could speak about the fact that I had an amazing weekend because I started my novel writing course and I watched two great movies:

-The Wrestler

-Zack & Miri make a porno

But I have the whole week to do that. So in keeping with the spirit of hatred that spreads like warts among the human race for this utterly craptastic day we call Monday. I am going to speak about one of my many phobias... Arachnophobia! Yes, I am so terrified of spiders that I have spent nights on the couch because of seeing a spider in my bedroom. I have run away from spiders that I could've easily crushed with my thick shoes. They just freak me out... Big time!

My Mom has killed spiders for me (she is half my size by the way.) I watched the movie "Eight-Legged Freaks" from the kitchen while everyone else was in the TV room. I watched "Arachnophobia" for the first time about two weeks ago. Just because I am THAT addicted to movies! *Hands covering my face, fingers slightly open*

This FINE specimen of crap-in-my-pants inducing terror is called a Goliath Bird-Eating Tarantula. According to experts, this swollen spider is harmless to humans... I wish I could tell you more about it, but I seriously couldn't read any further, so you just going to have to rely on my assumptions... This thing EATS BIRDS and they CAN FLY!?! How the fuck can this thing not be harmful to us when we have no kind of renowned escaping abilities unless we are in a car!?!

I wonder if they mean that this mammoth arachnid is friendly? If that is the case, then I'm sure I can go out and have a few beers with it? Maybe a nice dinner? Stuffed duck? Talk about girls? Can you imagine how much fun a couple of these things could have with SIXTEEN legs between them!?! These obese things could rewrite the Karma Sutra! I bet you they would call it the Octa Sutra! No matter how "harmless" people tell me these things are, I wouldn't ever get close to one of these things!

I am going to log off now before this thing decides to pull a "The Ring" on me and jump out of the screen to put an end to this gossip!

Ciao.

PS: I loved The Wrestler and I am happy to see Mickey Rourke back on top! He is a great actor and deserves to be counted among the greats!

Epiphany.

2010-08-12T14:06:00.000-07:00

This morning while I was brushing my teeth, I had an epiphany. It was a very small one which may wear off eventually, but I am going to milk it while it lasts. As usual, it's about writing... I think about other careers in the creative field; Music, Architecture, Painting... These are all career paths which require training. As talented and as passionate as a person may be, there is always something to be learnt... Why should writing be any different?

I may or may not be a great writer with loads of talent, but what I do have is determination and passion for the written word. Which brings me to my epiphany while I was brushing my fangs this morning. Why don't I get some training? The world of retail needs me (yes apparently it loves the way I hate it.) Which is why I am not able to take a full time course, which is why today I enrolled to do an online novel writing course with a writing college that I have been with before. I took a scriptwriting course with these guys and I enjoyed it immensely. So yes, I am gigantically excited to start the new course. I am not published so I can't really speak about the processes of writing just yet, but I am an aspiring writer, so I can talk about the anxiety and occasional rage that one feels when the writing just doesn't want to come out the way we hoped for.

I saw my Mom peeling an onion today, she was doing what she does best, cooking. While I watched her, I couldn't help but think that, that very action is very similar to what I am doing with my writing... Right now, writing is like peeling onions for me, you have to go through all the inevitable layers and shed many tears while swearing at the top of your lungs before you can reach the core and use it to achieve your dreams (Or in my Mom's case, a tasty lunch.)

I was supposed to blog much earlier, but for one I was watching Globe Trekker with a lovely young presenter by the name of Megan McCormick. She is awesome and anyway, watching Globe Trekker is the cheapest way to see the world without the jet lag and crappy airline food. For two, counting sheep gets pretty boring, might as well do something mildly constructive with my unhealthy sleeping patterns!

Heard a great joke today, of course I will share, I love jokes because they make me laugh and they stick to the inside of my cranium like flies to Fly-paper:
There was once a lady eating a mango in Spain with her legs wide open, a passer by noticed that she didn't have any underwear on. "Is that how eat mangoes here in Spain?" He asked... "No you idiot, I'm just keeping the flies off of my mango!" She replied! LOL

Good thing flies can't read, because if they could and read my blog, THEY WOULD FEEL PRETTY STUPID! ;-)

Ciao.

Everybody needs good neighbours...

2010-08-11T13:07:00.000-07:00

If you have the fortune/misfortune (It's your call... Yes I am that generous!) of calling me a FB friend. You will know two things:

a) I work in a fruit & veg retailer.

b) I have strange neighbours.

Now let me talk a little bit more about my neighbours at work. They are all of Asian descent, except one. (The odd one out is African if you must know.) I have one Chinese neighbour and on the opposite side are two Indian neighbours. Now these guys have a somewhat demented obsession with the volume button of their stereo. I arrive before them but as soon as they open shop, the first thing they do is switch on their stereo and make sure that everyone within a 200 meter radius KNOWS that they have arrived. I have no problem with music, on the contrary, music is the best therapy for me. I love it. But like food, I cannot listen to the same music everyday. I need variation. Now these two samoosa-loving lads that I call my neighbours, have a strange obsession with one particular CD... They have been playing it incessantly for the past two weeks... They seem to have a strange fixation with Westlife (Yes that pop group from various parts of Ireland that Simon Cowell put together... Much to my dismay.)

These guys cannot stop playing Westlife... EVER! Like today for example, I heard the singers of that group tell me about five times today that they could "fly without wings", then they spoke about chicks wearing "catsuits" & having "Bambi-Eyes"... Were they in a zoo or what?!? I am contemplating giving my dear neighbours some of my CD's which include Korn, Eminem, Metallica, Pearl Jam... Sure these guys might be a tad angry but at least they are not delusional believing they can fly without wings & don't have strange fixations with Bambi!!! ;)

In other news, I am almost 100 % sure that I spotted a virgin who was about to ruin her purity, in fact she is probably "in the act" as I write this. Why? Well for one, she was very young (Don't want to make predictions, I know the rules all too well... Steer clear of a woman's age.) She came to me with a packet of strawberries, she seemed very pleased with herself like she had just won some kind of competition and was holding the pack of berries like it was her crown. She paid for them and then leaned in towards me, like she was going to kiss me and whispered: "Do you have cream?" She then returned to her original "purchasing customer" position in front of me and smiled shyly. I wanted to laugh but I thought it might make her cry, so I just politely told her that I didn't have cream and she left with the same disappointed look guys get when they go into a store to buy condoms but find out that they are sold out! I wonder if she found her cream?

Ciao.

Dissecting House, dissecting me?

2010-08-09T10:40:00.000-07:00

I read a blog post about House MD, if the first million times didn't sink in, I will gladly tell you again... I LOVE HOUSE MD... It's my favourite show! Now comes the question, why am I so fascinated by this demented genius? (Relax, I know he isn't real, he's just a character!) I couldn't picture anyone but Hugh Laurie playing House.

He's not a very nice person because he doesn't really give a damn about anyone's feelings! He's funny but he's sarcastic. He's a hard line atheist, which is a somewhat frowned upon trait amongst most of the world who are believers. He's got a limp and walks with a cane. So what is it about this guy that just keeps me hooked? I mean, I am a Christian (yeah I say "fuck" alot, but I believe.) I can be sarcastic but not to a point that people want to punch me in the face (I hope?!) I have a slight limp because of the pre-pubescent surgery I had done to correct the much bigger walking impediment I had due to being born with flat feet. So I don't walk with a cane or have any pain but I do walk kind of funny. Which is cool, doesn't bother me in the least. So what is it that I find endearing about Dr. Gregory House?

Firstly he is an amazing hermit, like me! ;) Besides the "limp". I admire his intelligence. He is a very intelligent character. Apart from that he doesn't trust anyone. This is the thing that I relate to most... His lack of trust in people. I don't trust people very easily either. There was a time when I did and got hurt. Everyone gets hurt now and again, it's part of life. The important thing is that you learn from whatever it is you went through... Like House MD, I now know that "Everything is conditional, we just can't always anticipate the conditions". I now also know, like House MD that "If you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much anything." I now also know, like House MD "One of the great tragedies of life-Something always changes."

I'm not quite as curmudgeonly as him, I know there are still good people out there in the world, it's just a question of finding them. There is another thing about this Dr. dude that I find interesting... He's an amazing Dr. He knows it and the world knows it, that's what makes him indispensable to the world... People in general don't like him but they know they need him. He is that good and that gives him purpose, doing his job is what he needs to keep him functional because it's what he loves to do and does it well. Isn't that what we all look for in our lives, purpose? Some of us are fortunate enough to find purpose in being the most important person in the lives of our children and spouses... Others find it in their careers, they know they are making a difference with their talents and that's what they need to feel fulfilled... :)

Most relationships are fickle, solitude is more consistent, thus more trustworthy.

Ciao.

Bravo

2010-08-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

Got home yesterday at 1pm from work and jumped into my pyjamas... My Mom looked at me with one of those puzzled looks that suggested I may have gone off the rails. I just smiled and told her I had no plans to leave home anytime soon... I then parked my ass here in front of my computer and stayed here for most of the afternoon.

Today is women's day in South Africa. In general it's not a very good day for us less-inclined-to-shop members of the human race. Why? Well, women here tend to mistaken Women's day for Valentine's day and are filled with irrational expectations... Countless couples walked into work today dressed in matching colours (Like Wedding rings weren't quite enough, thanks Posh & Becks!) I won't be at all surprised if tonight the bars are packed with women getting drunk while watching boxing or soccer & their mates are at home doing dishes, making dinner and reading Vogue magazines!

Came home early today and spent the afternoon with my nephews, went to the video store, hired a Playstation game for them and a movie for myself to watch later on tonight (The Soloist with Robert Downey Jr. *High Expectations*.) After getting both my nephew's eager blessings, I bought a pizza fat enough to make King Kong's mouth water. It was delicious. My nephew's ignored the game and begged me to put it on cartoon network, I was outnumbered 2-1, so I caved and spent a large part of the afternoon watching Johnny Bravo with them. It was quite entertaining. "HOO HAA HOO!" What an interesting cartoon character!

So you must be asking yourself, an aspiring writer writing a blog about everything except writing... Yes I do this alot. I am afraid this is how I am wired. I will concentrate more on writing when I actually achieve some of the goals I have set for myself as a writer. (Page 72 & counting)

Ciao.

Why books...

2010-08-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

I am nearly done with the second book I bought last week (Spot of bother by Mark Haddon.) Awesome book. I love it.

While I was mid way through one of the pages in the book and five quarters of the way through the usual boredom that sets in after 3pm at work. I had a thought. For a person my age, I read alot... Not nearly enough, by my standards or the standards of professional writers out there. But by social norms, set by people my age, I read shit loads. Why do I love books? It could be hereditary, my Mom loves books too. But that's a much too scientific way to explain the feeling I get when I am immersed in the pages of a good book. (By my standards of course.)

I love books because they keep me company. I get to know the characters intimately without being subjected to buying them dinner or going out for a beer (not that this is always bad, but it can bring with it a whole set of new "expectations" which can lead to disappointment.) I love books because they reach the parts of my soul that I just wouldn't trust to share with anyone. Books are very much like life... You get the character you like because you relate to their situation or way of thinking perfectly(often the main character, the one you root for.) Then you get the character you hate because he reminds you so much of the person who fucked you around in your actual life. Then you get other characters who remind you of either family members, friends or anyone else that happens to have an impact on your life, even if he/she is just there to clean your garden and nothing else.

Imagine the power of reaching out and making a difference in people's lives without ever meeting them. That is truly amazing... Authors have this power. It's amazing to me. By applying your neurosis/or endorphin charged emotion to a blank page, naming it, giving it afew flaws and giving it some friends. You can create an invisible world that transports your readers from their own little realities into a place where they can forget about the shit and completely accept their predicaments with a smile. I want to do this someday. I want to have the amazing ability to reach out and make a difference the same way I have been touched time & time again... Even if it is just for a time span of 300 pages.

Ciao.

Random Ramblings.

2010-08-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

Firstly I am about as cheerful as Joe Pesci at the moment, so I can't muster even a speck of energy to look for a picture to add to this diatribe I am about to unleash. I haven't been able to blog the past couple of days and I have no idea why? I just sit and look at the screen hoping that it will miraculously give birth to a collection of entertaining sentences...

If there is one thing I hate is being "blocked" even if it is in the slightest way. I just finished the 71st page of the first draft of my novel. So I am feeling pretty cool about that though. So what have I been doing during my absence? The usual... Swearing, working, swearing, eating, swearing, writing and some more swearing. As I write this, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" is exploding out of my TV set and I am trying to get rid of the pins and needles that erupted in my left foot.

If there is one thing in my life that I have learnt by personal experience and by watching the experiences of others, it's that Karma takes her time, but she DOES NOT ever forget. I won't get into why or how(It involves me making fun of bald people throughout my childhood only to find that I am going slightly bald before 30!) but one thing is for sure... There are many people in this world that are like fish, they usually get caught because of the incessant, mindless movement of their mouth's. I finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho recently and found it to be both entertaining and very inspiring. Great book. I am now reading "Spot Of Bother" by Mark Haddon and am enjoying it immensely. I need to go and get some sleep.

Ciao.

A good Sunday...

2010-08-01T12:42:00.000-07:00

Today I witnessed a record of Guinness book proportions... I went to a party of a couple that were celebrating. Wait for it... 50 YEARS OF MARRIAGE! That's right, these two people have managed to stay together through thick & thin (that was not a pun) for 50 years! This is truly amazing!

Had a great time with two people that I haven't seen in quite a while, we played cards, we drank and we made jokes. It was a good time. Before this I went to my favourite place on earth and bought myself two books, one because of the hype that has surrounded it and the other because the synopsis of the book did it's job exceptionally well and "grabbed me." They are:

The Alchemist-Paulo Coelho (The Hype)

A Spot of Bother-Mark Haddon (The Synopsis)

I cannot describe the feeling I get when I buy a book or a music CD (Which I also did today; Freshlyground-Nomvula.) The success of other creative beings inspires me to try harder. It fills me with true joy when I take part in the celebrations of the success stories of others by buying their music or books. It must be like when a woman buys a brand new pair of shoes... For them it's an achievement... Books are my "shoes".

Every book is a journey... I have acquired two new destinations, that I am eager to explore.

Ciao.

Dinner for five. (Excluding the waitress)

2010-07-31T09:58:00.001-07:00

I think I have watched Dinner For Five with Jon Farveau once. So it wasn't his groundbreaking creation that sparked this post. It was rather a post on Olivia Wilde's website that inspired this, she done a similar thing and listed five people she would love to have dinner with. This isn't an unfamiliar concept, I have heard this hypothetical question time & time again. I thought I would give it a try, at this moment in my life. If I could choose five celebrities to have dinner with, they would be:

1) Hugh Laurie.

2) Johnny Depp

3) Dane Cook

4) Mila Kunis

5) Chelsea Handler

There are other people I would love to meet, but since the limit is five... If it were a one on one dinner, the only possible candidate from this list would be Hugh Laurie(Do you really think Mila Kunis would agree to a one on one dinner?!?)

-I have said it before, but I don't mind saying it again. Hugh Laurie has only written one novel, but that novel is the most amazing novel I have ever read. Hence his presence at my hypothetical dinner table... He is there for his witty ability to write, along with his many other talents. My role model, the guy who inspires me to write. A genius.

-I like movies so much that I have turned down opportunities to go out to apparently "wicked" parties filled with new people, just because I would much rather watch a movie. So it's only natural that my favourite actor be at my table. From Edward Scissorhands & Pirates of the Carribean to his appearance on the David Letterman Show, this guy is talented and very eccentric. A combination that I am very comfortable with.

-I have watched this guy's stand up shows on TV and I have spent countless hours on You Tube searching this guy. Simply because he is funny. He is the only guy I have seen who can make me laugh with every word that comes out of his mouth. Dane Cook needs to be at my table.

-She has made me drool, she has made me dream and she has been very good for my imagination. She has made me consider taking my very next holiday in the Ukraine... What is a dinner party without someone to play footsie with under the table. Mila Kunis sits opposite me.

-She is the female version of Dane Cook, except her chest makes me rather look at her. She is the funny lady with the entertaining talk show and Mexican midget for an assistant. She also has an uncanny ability to be educational... She taught me a new word "Kislopis". I can't tell you the meaning but think of Sharon Stone and you will get the picture, why do I want her at my table?Wouldn't a Chelsea Handler vs Dane Cook comedy match be a gem at a dinner party? I also want to ask her what is the correct spelling of "Kislopis".

There are other amazing people, that I would love to meet. But I am a very big fan of comedy, I like to laugh is an understatement. I LOVE TO LAUGH. Life is dramatic enough, with millions and millions of moments spent on the daily toils and stresses which come with existence. Laughter is the most enjoyable of human experiences and is the closest thing to love that two souls can share... It not only reminds us that we are alive but shows us that life can be enjoyed and doesn't have to be a battle of survival.

Ciao.

PS: Oh I forgot... The waitress, I am struggling to decide whether I want Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson or Kim Kardashian??? Maybe I should ask Dane & Chelsea.

Talking about talkshows.

2010-07-27T12:10:00.000-07:00

Everyone who watches TV, watches a talk show. True story. I didn't believe this until I tuned in to some of them myself and now I am kinda hooked. After endless hours of Larry King on CNN, my Dad can probably tell you who the president of Guatemala is. He's pretty into politics, much to the dismay of the rest of the household. My Mom loves OPRAH, for some odd reason she finds Oprah's fickle frame entertaining... (No disrespect to her as a person though, she is an extraordinary human being.)

Other people find Dr. Phil's bald head and throbbing intelligence about all things relationshit very appealing. He is like a walking encyclopedia for the highly emotionally disturbed masses. I have seen all these talk shows and I used to think to myself, "What is the big deal with talk shows?!" Sure they talk about real things that affect everyone at one time or another. Which is no doubt helpful. But I would still rather watch the amazing feat of paint drying or grass growing. Then these talk shows started growing like warts; The Ricki Lake show, The Tyra Banks Show.

I caught a glimpse of Jerry Springer but found the topics a little too bizarre to be real and stopped watching when the brother & sister were fighting over the erotic affections of their step dad.Which brings me to my two favourite Talk Shows: Chelsea Lately with the very funny Chelsea Handler & her Mexican midget assistant, Chuy. And the David Letterman show. They are both funny as hell and interview some of the most famous people on earth! I now completely understand why people dig Talk shows!

Ciao.

The strangest Monday ever...

2010-07-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

True story. My first client at work was a man of about 125 years +(I calculate peoples ages by estimating the amount of wrinkles on their face, what? It works for trees!) who walked in with a pink beanie. I wanted to laugh out loud like I usually do, (my nephew says I'm weird because I laugh too loudly) keeping that parenthesis in mind, I controlled myself until he was finished buying.

So after an eardrum shattering chortle, I started to think about this geriatric's fashion sense and how it came to be, here's what came up:

1) He is gay and got really tired of all the dust in his closet.

2) He has tea parties with his grand daughters & their barbies... Forgot to remove his party hat!

3) Hates Mondays as much as I do and wears pink to help him think happy thoughts! (Wonder if that works???)

So just when I thought the day couldn't get any weirder, a couple of hours later, in walks an extremely round woman (I suspected pregnancy as soon as she stampeded into the store) with a much smaller friend. Now here is the benefit of knowing some one's language without them knowing that you know: You can UNINTENTIONALLY eavesdrop. They started having a very hearty conversation about the fact that there is a baby growing inside her. She confessed that the pregnancy is making her boobs so big that they are popping out of every top she owns! I could feel a wave of chortles (only girls giggle) building up inside... I felt like saying: "Listen lady, with a belly like that NO ONE is going to look at your chest... Don't feel bad though, a belly like that inspires men to drink more beer! Well done!"

To quote some group(who must have been obsessed with poker and nursery rhymes) called "4Jacks & a Jill": It's a strange, strange world we live in, master jack...

Ciao.

Movie nights...

2010-07-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

So normally Saturday nights are meant to be for getting drunk, laid or beaten up... Occasionally all three in no particular order. That's if you go out. Not me though, I have been on various public gatherings and I have learnt that public gatherings are not my strong point! Those who have had the misfortune of witnessing me completely wasted in public will agree with me. So recognising the problem, I have hence stopped going out! ;)

My Saturday night this weekend was spent in, watching movies... Something which I love almost as much as I love writing. I watched The A-Team... Not that one "FOOL"! The new one with Bradley Cooper, the lovely Jessica Biel(To think SHE was a Pastor's daughter in 7th Heaven?!?!) & the local boy Sharlto Copley. It was an awesome movie, really enjoyed it! I did watch a couple of episodes of the series, thanks to Hollywood's version of the History Channel, called The Series Channel. Great Series, great movie!

Watching movies till 2am is AWESOME, until you realise that you have to be up at 5am to be at work! So I spent the better half of my day sleeping at work (The perks of not doing your job.) Sure people complained and asked what had I been doing "last night" with the kind of looks that convinced me that they wished they were me... I just winked and played along, it took less work than explanations! Plus people on Sundays are more lenient, must be the whole church thing. Yes I also went.

Had a chilled weekend all by myself, with occasional periods of family time & enjoyed it immensely. It's official. I am getting old. I think the next time I go out for a public gathering will be for my own book signing, considering that I am not finish with the first draft of my first book, it's going to take a while. So I am going to invest in some good DVD's and beer! ;)

Ciao.

Black tooth???

2010-07-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

Firstly I made a discovery these past two days... My body clock is fucked! True story. It is very common that I am hit by bouts of insomnia. Then the day before yesterday, I had the polar opposite of insomnia... I had to concentrate really hard just to keep my eyes open at work. Trust me, it wasn't good. I only find that amusing when I am drunk because then at least I have an excuse to pass out at random.

Anyways, back to my topic, every single family has at least one of these. (No I am not talking about black sheep, we're not all Australian!) I am talking about a family member with missing front teeth. Yes, every single family has at least one person with an interrupted smile. I do, forgot his name and even how he is related to me. But what I do know is that he has a very generous space between his front teeth.

So my proposal, if I was an Einstein type of person with inventive abilities, I would create disposable teeth... You know kind of like disposable cameras, but teeth. No of course not to eat, what's wrong with soup?! Disposable teeth for emergency photo shoots when the toothless relative/s arrive. It would be great, they could smile for real without having to worry about showing their tonsils to the world! I would make them in such a way that after three camera flashes they disintegrate. (If I invent this I might as well try and make a couple of million out of it!)

Imagine it, people wouldn't have to worry about false teeth... They could just use disposables. This is what I would call them: BLD's Instant smile disposable teeth.

My slogan is kind of battle though, I can't choose between:

- For uninterrupted happiness on all your family photo's.

-Filling in the gaps for complete happiness.

I better go brush my teeth before karma gets word of this blog and decides to punish me accordingly.

Ciao.